Opinion: Stop putting people in the closet in the first place

photo by: Contributed

Bonnie Jean Feldkamp

Actress Sophia Bush posted an Instagram story that said, “Pride is important because someone tonight still believes it’s better to die than to be themselves.” I’ve seen it shared many times since, and it made me think about why people feel so painfully that they have to hide their identities. I keep coming back to assumptions that begin in childhood. Adults make assumptions about children’s sexuality long before the children themselves have any idea, and that’s where the problem lies.

No one ever has to come out of the closet if they are never put in it. I grew up with extended family members who thought it was funny to tease me about my crush on boys or ask me if I had a boyfriend. They just assumed. I hated it, and not necessarily because I was queer, but simply because I wanted the freedom to choose what the people in my life meant to me, without ridicule or judgment. It’s rare that the person being teased actually enjoys the teasing, regardless of the subject.

When I became a mother, I made it a point not to do that to my children. I always talked to them in the spirit of having options. From the beginning, my children knew they were free to love who they loved. Someone once asked me about my daughter’s best friend, who happened to be a boy. They wondered aloud if they were more than friends. I responded that “the jury is still out” on whether or not she liked boys that way, and the response I received was a sharp, fearful “You’re going to make her gay.” .

Well no. It doesn’t work that way. This made his home a safe space and let him know there were no expectations from us. We’ve never had a serious, serious “Mom, this is who I’m attracted to” conversation. No, it was just, “Mom, she’s my person and I love her.” ALL RIGHT. I’m so happy for you that you found love.

That’s it.

It all starts by laying the foundations with very simple things, like not categorizing toys, clothes and activities according to gender. My daughter loves Legos and my son has long hair that we cut with a barrette. These items were and are gender neutral in our home. We don’t tease crushes or imply attraction to anyone. It is not our place to observe or comment on this. When his peers told my son that his hair made him “look like a girl,” I asked him, “Who decides what a girl looks like?” Spoiler alert: Each person can decide what they want to look like, regardless of gender.

When my child is ready to talk to me about attraction and crushes, I am ready to listen, support him, and guide him through his new experiences without judgment or projected fear. This is not only how you raise gay kids, but also how you build safe and wonderful allies for LGBTQ+ people in your community. Judgment and ridicule start at home and are taught at home. But if we truly want to have a safe and loving home, it must be welcoming, no matter who you are or who you love.

The outside world will offer many oppositions, whatever path one takes. Home should be a space where you absolutely know you are loved. It should be your refuge when the world is cold.

For Pride Month, let’s work to dismantle the proverbial closets in our own homes. Challenge assumptions and give children the freedom to learn who they are. This is our opportunity to know and love everything that makes them who they are.

— Bonnie Jean Feldkamp is a syndicated columnist at Creators.