Soapwatch with JACI STEPHEN: Is Joel planning a murder?

CORONATION STREET

Just when you thought Rowan was the worst villain to hit the cobblestones since Stephen Reid, here comes Joel who, while not a serial killer (give him time), certainly walks on the wrong side of the tracks.

When he brings his daughter Maeve to spend time with Dee-Dee at the apartment, Dee-Dee coos that he’s a natural-born father. Little does she know that he’s about to become a father for the second time, and how far is he willing to go as he hatches a plan to get rid of pregnant Lauren for good? And did he play a part in her sudden agony, when she fears she’ll lose the baby?

Why do the women of Weatherfield have such a hard time seeing through the many psychopaths that walk the streets? Pat Phelan, Stephen Reid, Richard Hillman and now Rowan and Joel. Do the women on the street find them all on the same dating site? Unhinged.com? Or squirrel.com… we promise to find you a lunatic!?

Given Dee-Dee’s supposed past as a successful lawyer in the United States, you’d think her antennae would be sharper, but given the amount of wine she drinks, it’s a miracle she can see Joel, let alone guess what he’s up to. Carla’s servings are a real eye-opener next to her gallons.

Rowan, meanwhile, seems to have turned on Amy, delivering the same speech he used to trap Leanne. Telling the girl she’s destined for greatness, Leanne’s jealousy is piqued. Come on. Greatness is clearly not, never was, and never will be Amy’s destiny; she shouldn’t just smell a rat, but an infestation.

But Rowan could then convince the hind legs of not only a donkey, but a donkey sanctuary. Hoping to get money out of Nick, blackmail is his best option, but will Nick hand over the £20,000 Rowan is demanding in exchange for not reporting him for assault? And don’t forget, he’s also in on the deal. Where the hell is Nick going to get that kind of money unless he puts genius Sam on eBay?

The Orientals

You can’t help but feel sorry for Priya, because despite all her chatter, she’s a great mother who puts her kids first. Blocked by Ravi while trying to attend Nugget’s dialysis session, she teams up with Denzel to sneak in, much to the infuriating of Ravi and Nish. What’s a girl to do? She lures Nish to the Minute Mart and handcuffs him, demanding that he retract his lie on film that they slept together.

Where can Priya get a pair of handcuffs on such short notice? Are they Jack’s? You’d be lucky to find a can of beans at Minute Mart, let alone bondage gear. Kudos to her for her entrepreneurial spirit.

Little did Reiss know of the web of deception he was about to weave when Sonia expressed her desire to have a child with him. He thought that their mutual love of wind instruments (as opposed to flatulence) would be enough to keep their love alive.

Now that Debbie’s autopsy is complete, a new complication arises when Debbie’s mother, Brenda, begins asking awkward questions and overhears Sharon and Teddy talking about Reiss.

Speaking of Teddy… when is someone going to teach him how to put his arms in that sweater that’s permanently stuck to his shoulders?

Little Vinny has big plans

EastEnders’ Vinny is generally considered the smallest of the Panesar litter, especially by Nish. But with Suki’s help, will Vinny’s plan to get Nish to hand over the Panesar empire to him work?

“He hopes Nish has big plans for him,” says Shiv Jalota (Vinny). “He’s confident he can take the reins and stay in control.”

As likely to be in control of the reins as Santa Claus on Christmas Eve with frostbite on his fingers.

EMMERDALE

Will and Rose do Kim’s dirty work

Why did Kim give in and let Rose stay at Home Farm? It’s her turn! As Will’s ex reenters his life, Ruby tells him that in order to complete their mission to destroy Kim, Rose must sleep with Will. When Rose reaches out to kiss him, Will kisses her back.

I’ve always said Will is too cocky for Kim. Is he really going to risk it all—lose his wife, the house, not to mention the wine cellar (oh my! That would be disastrous!)? When Kim returns the next morning, will it be game over for Ruby and Rose?

Belle’s life could get even worse when Tom suggests she go home alone, but he makes a secret set of keys to the house. One thing’s for sure: When he sneaks in, Piper won’t bark.

In fact, Piper is the most well-behaved dog on the planet; the only bark we hear is the one produced by the sound department recording, which sounds nothing like a Cockapoo. When Tom locked Piper up in Wales, the sound was more like a bear with severe bronchitis.

I’m totally destroyed when Tom gets violent towards Piper, yelling “Please don’t kill the dog!” at the screen.