How to Recognize the Behavioral Patterns of a Fearful and Avoidant Person

We live in a new era of dating where people are looking for clues and answers that shed light on the dynamics they are involved in.

We also live in a time where people get discouraged quickly and we forget that relationships work when two people work on their growth.

What’s in the middle?

It’s all about patience.

As I have progressed in my attachment style journey, I am now hyper aware that we have lost patience in relationships.

Am I telling you to sit back and wait for people to change, and it slowly eats away at you? No.

Once you know how to understand, address, and respond to behaviors, it will change your perception of the value of working with someone.

That’s why I’m here.

I want everyone who follows my writings to understand attachment theory.

Yes, relationships take work, but what makes a great relationship is when people understand each other’s journey to grow and become the perfect partner.

Yes, relationships take work, but a good relationship is one where people understand how to work to become the perfect partner.

Fearful and avoidant people or partners of one can read this article and come away with a new understanding so that we can work together toward that bright future.

Remember, we move forward with grace. We do not compound our partners’ problems by reminding them of their flaws.

…

Hot potato

People may or may not know that the fearful-avoidant attachment style is also known as the hot and cold attachment style.

Those who are frustrated by the hot and cold see the intense passion a fearful avoidant can bring to a relationship, followed by withdrawal when the connection and bond become serious.

It feels like someone is playing a game; they’re all there one minute, and the next minute they might not seem to care whether the relationship is working.

There’s something that might surprise you. The fearful-avoidant person wants nothing more than deep connection and bonding, but fear brings doubt into the equation.

We see it in today’s society. What causes fear in most people? It’s a series of negative experiences or a complete lack of knowledge. Oddly enough, fear doesn’t lie somewhere in the middle.

Fearful and avoidant people have seen relationships in which they felt they could not trust the strength of those relationships. They often repeat these behaviors and it becomes difficult to gain the avoidant person’s trust. Ironic, I know.

Fearful and avoidant people also fear the unknown. The more they don’t know about what they know, the less they will seek to be interested in it. They often avoid anything that could be problematic.

Ying and Ying

What many people don’t know about attachment theory is the combination of a belief about oneself and the perspective of others.

Your personal perspective is your thoughts about what you deserve: love, companionship, sympathy, etc.

Your view of others reflects your ability to believe that others have your best interests at heart and care about you.

Guess the combination of positive/negative that the fearful-avoidant person has toward his or her worldview.

I’ll give you a second.

The fearful-avoidant person has a negative self-view and a negative view of others.

When you combine negatives, what do you get? No, not a positive like the one you get in mathematics.

You will get a person who doesn’t consider themselves worthy of love and someone who doesn’t believe in the love you show them.

When they are on the “warm” side between hot and cold, fearful-avoidant people build the belief that they can trust the relationship and that they have found someone who cares about them and will not leave them.

The cold is a brake when they realize they may be going too fast or revealing too much. It’s a back and forth of emotions. You can’t force the fearful-avoidant person to go through this process.

Let’s talk about it

There is a positive quality in the one who fears and avoids that will please others.

Unlike other tendencies of people with avoidant characteristics and personalities, fearful-avoidant people value communication. They tend to desire a high level of communication.

There is a caveat here.

Fearful and avoidant people cannot be forced to express themselves. It must happen naturally.

You will find that the fearful avoidant person is grateful and receptive to the information you choose to share. This will bring the FA closer to the point where they can finally let go and trust.

Healthy communication shows the fearful-avoidant person that you are not withholding any information from them, and they will also find their fears of being caught off guard by your words diminished.

Fearful and avoidant people record their words and actions, creating a memory bank that influences their opinions and beliefs.

Once they have a negative opinion of you, based on your actions and words, it will seem almost impossible to regain their trust. Your negative actions will carry more weight than your positive actions.

…

I know this is a difficult choice to make, but be patient and work with your partner to open the door to a healthy outcome.

…

Want to learn more about fear and avoidance triggers? Get a free guide Here

You want to contact me on Instagram for a coaching session (IG) Here or at [email protected]

—

This article was previously published on medium.com.

***

Excerpt from the Good Men project on Medium

What does it really mean to be in love and love someone?

My 9-year-old son accidentally explained to me why his mother divorced him

The only thing men want more than sex

The internal struggle of men takes place in silence

***

Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.

All Premium members can watch The Good Men Project ADS-FREE.

A $50 annual membership gives you full access. You can participate in every call, group, class, and community.

A $25 annual membership gives you access to one course, one social interest group, and our online communities.

A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday Calls with the Editor, our online community.

Create a new account

User name

E-mail

First name

Surname

Password

Password again

Choose your subscription level

• Annual Platinum – $50.00 –
  1 year

• 5 Ways to Build Self-Confidence – $99.00 –
  unlimited

  5 Ways to Build Self-Confidence and Make Dating and Dating Women Less Stressful

• Masterclass on dating – $999.00 –
  unlimited

  Dating Masterclass: How to Date and Create Satisfying, Lasting Love and Sexuality in This Crazy, Modern World

• Annual Gold Medal – $25.00 –
  1 year

• Annual Bronze – $12.00 –
  1 year

Automatic renewal

Subscribe to The Good Men Project’s daily newsletter

By completing this registration form you also agree to our terms of use which can be found here.

Need more information? The full list of benefits is available here.

—–

Photo credit: Khaled Ali on Unsplash

The article How to Recognize the Behavioral Patterns of a Fearful and Avoidant Person appeared first on The Good Men Project.