Dear Annie: After years of abuse, I am ready to no longer have contact with my mother.

Dear Annie: This letter is not meant to be a victim, so please hear me out. My mother has been hurting me for as long as I can remember. When I was a child, I was sexually abused by my brother. I told her and she told me I was lying. I thought I was adopted because there was no way a parent could be that mean to a biological child.

When I got pregnant at 17, she gave me three days to leave the house.

Fast forward to adulthood: When my son was killed in a car accident 13 years ago, she posted on Facebook that I got what I deserved. When I finally got the courage to divorce the man my parents forced me to marry at 17, she posted on her Facebook that she would always love him. She taught me that you have to stay, no matter what. She and my father have been married for 50 years, although she says that when she hears my father come home, her heart hurts.

My 9 year old daughter was sexually assaulted by her father and I reported it immediately. He signed away his rights and my new husband (her stepfather) adopted her. My mother defended her ex saying, “He’s still her father.”

At one point I told her I was sorry I hadn’t been to see her in a while. Her response was, “You’re just like your father. It’s always something.”

The last straw was that I applied to college to get my degree and as I was about to graduate, I asked her if she would attend. She hatefully replied, “Where is it?”

Being in the same room with her makes me physically sick and it really triggers my emotions. Everywhere you read or watch, people will tell you, “She’s your mother, you better love her while you can, because one day she won’t be here anymore.” I need some kind of validation to protect my sanity, to no longer have contact with her, because I’m almost at that point. Forty-eight years is enough.

-Help

Dear Help: I usually try to advocate for things to be fixed. After all, you only have one mother, and underneath all the pain and suffering, there is usually a trace of love.

But your situation is different. Your mother’s behavior has been repeatedly abusive, malicious, and narcissistic. You need to focus on your own survival, as well as the well-being of your children. This will require reframing your expectations of your mother and limiting, if not eliminating, all contact with her. Communicate your feelings to her before you take such action, whether in a letter or in conversation. That way, if she decides she wants to be a part of your life, she will know what to do.

“How Do I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is available now! Annie Lane’s second anthology of her favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation is available in paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].