Dear Therapist: Can I get my brother to leave his wife?

Dear therapist,

My younger brother and I are both in our fifties. He met his wife about 16 years ago and they married in 2014. This is her third marriage, my brother’s first. They have one child together, who is 13, and his wife also has three other children, each from a different previous relationship.

From the start, their relationship has been plagued with problems. She accuses him of cheating on her, of wanting to cheat on her, of looking at and lusting after other women on television, in restaurants and while walking the dogs. Things go well for a while and then the whole thing starts over again. Over the course of this relationship, he has given up his hobbies and lost touch with his old friends, and it seems he is only allowed to do things with her and her family. I have watched my brother go from a healthy and happy man to a shell of his former self.

Every time she gets upset, he has to jump through more hoops, make bigger gestures, and flog himself more until she gives in and stops punishing him. He has come to my house twice in the past year and stayed because she told him she wanted him to leave. I have continually stressed to him the importance of seeking professional help, but he says she refuses to consider this because the problems are all about him and his (alleged) wandering eye. My brother is a kind, gentle, thoughtful man, and this hurts him deeply.

I fear that my brother is the victim of an abusive marriage, and I don’t know how best to support him. I have repeatedly told him that he will always have a home here and that he can move in and stay as long as he wants. I also reassured him that his daughter would not be the only one in her group of friends with parents who have decided to separate.

I care about him very much and want him to be healthy, safe and happy. Our mother and I are both afraid that his wife will eventually destroy him so much that he would hurt himself. How can I help him?

Dear reader,

Your letter paints a disturbing picture of your brother’s marriage, so I understand why you are so concerned about his well-being. The situation you describe is indeed alarming, because it exhibits many of the hallmarks of emotional abuse: the constant accusations, the isolation from friends and family, the gradual erosion of your brother’s sense of self, and the cyclical nature of conflict and reconciliation, aka known as “the cycle of abuse.”

In this cycle things are quiet for a while, but never for long. The tension builds and builds until an explosion occurs, followed by a new period of calm, of promises, of temporary peace. Each time the price for peace becomes higher. Your brother must make bigger gestures, make bigger sacrifices, shrink himself even further. This is painful to watch, especially when it concerns someone you love.

It’s clear that you care deeply about your brother, and your desire to help him end this suffering comes from a loving and compassionate place. But I want to tell you something that may be hard to hear: You can’t save your brother from this relationship.

However, this does not mean that you are powerless to help, far from it. But it does mean reframing the way you think about your role. Once you accept that no matter how much you want to save him, your brother is the only one who can decide to change his situation, you will be able to support him much more effectively.

Read: The longest relationships of our lives

So what is your role? First, you need to understand his situation better so you can understand what he is dealing with. Start by educating yourself about his experiences so you can understand why he exhibits behavior that seems baffling to you, such as his tolerance of his wife’s behavior and repeatedly begging for forgiveness for crimes he didn’t commit. You might think that what he needs to do here is clear: he is in an unhealthy relationship and needs to get out. But keep in mind that abusive relationships often create a distorted reality for the person being abused. Your brother has probably internalized much of his wife’s criticism and may think that he is really responsible for the problems in their marriage. This distorted image makes it incredibly difficult for the victims to leave.

Think of it this way: your brother and his wife are locked in a dance where the music of their relationship has become a monotonous dirge of accusation and defense. The steps go like this: His wife is constantly looking for evidence of betrayal. Every look becomes a crime; every interaction becomes a violation. And your brother? He hears the music of confusion, self-doubt, shame. So he does his part of the dance: continually trying (and failing) to prove his innocence. Unfortunately for him, he’s trying to prove something negative: how do you show someone the absence of something? How do you show loyalty to someone who has decided you are unfaithful?

What makes this dance difficult to watch is that the qualities you admire in your brother that could make him a great partner for someone else – his kindness, attention, gentleness – have become the very things his partner uses to manipulate. it. The more he obliges, the more his wife demands of him.

You say that this dynamic has been present since the beginning of their relationship, so instead of trying to convince your brother that his partner is treating him badly, get curious—and help him get curious—about what makes him so has attracted a partnership in the US. first place. It appears she entered this relationship with a history of relational instability: three children from three different relationships, prior to a fourth child with him. If she has not resolved the issues that led to these relationships ending, she has entered this current relationship with a suitcase full of past betrayals (perceived or real), fear of abandonment, and unhealthy communication patterns. But instead of unpacking this suitcase, she handed it to your brother and said, “You wear this. You are responsible for everything.”

Read: Relationship therapy, but for brothers and sisters

At the same time, your brother came into this relationship with his own suitcase. You say that he and his wife dated for six years before getting married, and even after having a child together, they waited another three years before getting married. I wonder if part of him was unsure if he wanted to be in this relationship, and another part of him chose the certainty of misery over the misery of uncertainty. What in his own history led him to make that choice, to confuse controlling behavior with evidence that he was needed, or to decide that the relationship he was in—with all its intense volatility—was “safer” to stay in than to to leave. can find something else?

Another way to support him is by encouraging his curiosity. Your instinct may be to focus on his wife’s behavior, but a more helpful role is to provide him with a safe space in which he can explore his own behavior. Instead of saying, “Your wife is abusive and you need to leave,” try, “I noticed you seem unhappy this week. How do you feel about things at home?” You can also gently challenge the story he has internalized. If he blames himself for their problems, you might say something like, “That doesn’t sound like the brother I know.” The person I know is kind and loyal. I wonder if there is another way to look at this situation?

Whenever possible, you can ask questions (not all at once) that help him think: “Do you ever feel lonely?” “Have you seen so-and-so lately?” “Do you miss doing (insert favorite activity)?” “What would be different if you weren’t worried about her reaction?” After another argument that ends with him at your house, instead of suggesting couples therapy, you might say, “You might find it helpful to talk to a therapist alone, even if it’s just for one session.” If he’s worried about his daughter, you can ask, again with gentle curiosity, “What do you think she’ll learn about self-esteem or loving relationships by watching you stay together?” He may not be able to answer these questions out loud, but you would help him think about an alternative story to the one he carries. Just as important, don’t try to control him with what you want him to do and think, like his wife does. You would allow him to go within himself and access his own thoughts, feelings and desires, which is a crucial step in a process that includes questioning, awareness and finally, if he chooses, action.

As you open this space to him, remember that just as your brother is too focused on his wife’s unhappiness, you don’t want to be too focused on his. Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be emotionally draining and should not come at the expense of seeking support (such as therapy) for yourself. Your brother is lucky to have such a caring sibling, but if you want to set healthy boundaries in a relationship, make sure you take care of yourself as well.

Best Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter you agree to the rental The Atlantic Ocean use it – in whole or in part – and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.