'BF wants to get married, but has no savings'

rediffGURU Kanchan Rai offers advice on how to prioritize your mental well-being while building a healthy relationship with your partner.

You can ask your questions to rediffGURU Kanchan Rai HERE.

Would you marry someone who doesn’t have a stable career or personal savings?

How do you deal with misunderstandings in a committed relationship?

rediffGURU Kanchan Raia relationship coach and founder of Let Us Talk Foundation, encourages you to talk about your problems so you can find solutions and transform your life.

You can ask your questions to rediffGURU Kanchan Rai HERE.

Anonymous: My friend, 34 years old, has an older brother who has two daughters and a wife.
My friend’s parents are gone. My boyfriend wants to marry me, but he has no savings, no mutual funds, and no property.
When I asked my friend to focus on his own life instead of helping him financially, he became irritated.
His older brother is in the visa business, but he didn’t help my friend for that.
My boyfriend is very concerned about it and wants to contribute to his brother’s children and future, funds and education, but I haven’t felt the same excitement when discussing the future with me.
I am very confused, I love him but I want him to focus on himself and his future financially.
I feel something uneasy in his family relations, but when I get married, I don’t want all this mess.
We communicated about this, but he gets hurt every time. What should I do?

You’re in a tough spot where your boyfriend’s focus on supporting his brother’s family overshadows his attention to your future together.

It seems like he feels responsible for his brother’s children, especially since their parents are gone, but this comes at the expense of his own financial planning and goals with you.

While it’s admirable that he wants to help, it’s essential that he also prioritizes the future you’re trying to build together.

Anonymous: I am going through some situations in my relationship with my wife. I can’t distinguish which step to take.
Basically, we had an arranged marriage. We got married in 2019.
We had a distant relationship because we both worked.
Due to a misunderstanding, we were separated from each other from April 2021 to July 2024 without any contact and conversation.
She contacted me in July 2024 and decided to start over.
Since I am here now and can be posted anywhere in India wherever my company may post me, I contacted one of my friends who works in the same institution and is my childhood friend. He told me, yes, it’s good if she can get a promotion. But if she takes the promotion, she will continue to roam all over India.
My friend who knew about our situation and relationship explained that we already don’t live as a couple, so she has to think about her social life, which she can do, while forgoing promotion.
My wife is asking me now because she wants a baby. She said that the baby would stay with me and because my wife had no brother, she also told me that she would keep her parents with her forever.
I told her, “Okay, I just want a life that we can all enjoy together.”
When we are blessed with a baby, he or she should get the love of everyone (you, me and our parents).
She denied it and told me it wasn’t possible.
Now I suffer from many thoughts and stress with uneven mood swings. If I go for a baby, how will that work?
She earns almost more than one lakh per month.
I told her that I think the promotion is good, but the baby needs to be given love and care. Now I’m in the middle.

First, it’s important to recognize how difficult this must be for both of you after such a long period of no contact.

Rebuilding a relationship after more than three years apart, especially with such different expectations, will take patience, understanding and honest communication.

It sounds like you both have valid concerns.

She wants to balance her career and family and you want a life where the child is surrounded by love and stability. However, her desire to have her parents with her permanently and your concerns about how the baby will be raised should be discussed thoroughly before any decisions are made.

Your friend’s advice on how to balance your personal and professional lives is worth thinking about, but ultimately it comes down to what you and your wife expect from your relationship.

A good starting point would be to sit down with her and have an honest, open conversation about your expectations.

It is important to find out if you can both compromise on certain issues. For example, can you find a middle ground where you both feel supported in your careers while still prioritizing the family dynamic you both envision?

Consider couples therapy, as this can help both of you communicate better and understand each other’s perspectives.

The key is to align your goals and see if you are both willing to make adjustments for the future you are trying to build together.

Finally, take care of your emotional health.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it can help to talk to a neutral person or even a counselor so you can process your thoughts and make decisions with more clarity.

Hello, my wife always argues and scolds me in every little argument. She ran away from our house three times after arguments.
She also likes to talk to other guys after she’s had a fight with me and always compares me to them because she thinks those guys can take good care of her when all they want to do is use her.
I have tried to talk to her mother but the mother is always supportive and listens to my wife.
We have two daughters, aged seven and three.
Could you please advise me on the way forward as I am seriously fed up with her behaviour.

Start by setting aside a quiet moment to have a serious conversation with your wife about how her behavior is affecting you and the children.

Use “I” statements to express your feelings, such as “I feel hurt when you compare me to other men” or “I feel stressed when our discussions turn into arguments.” This approach can help her see your perspective without feeling attacked.

Next, it can be helpful to set some boundaries.

Explain that even though you are committed to your marriage, you cannot tolerate behavior that is disrespectful or harmful to the family. Clearly define what is acceptable and what is not and let her know that continued conflict will impact your relationship.

Consider seeking professional help through relationship therapy or counseling. A neutral third party can help facilitate conversations, address underlying issues, and improve communication between the two of you.

If your wife is resistant, you can still choose to go it alone and find support and strategies for yourself.

When discussing her conversations with other men, emphasize your concerns about her safety and emotional well-being. Let her know that these interactions can cause bigger problems in your relationship, especially when children are involved. Encourage her to focus on building a strong family foundation rather than seeking validation from others.

Finally, prioritize your daughters’ well-being. Make sure they feel safe and loved, no matter the challenges you face. If necessary, seek support from trusted friends or family members to help you through this situation.

Remember that you deserve respect and support in your relationship. If, despite your efforts, things do not improve, you may need to consider your further options for your happiness and the well-being of your children.

You can ask your questions to rediffGURU Kanchan Rai HERE.

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