Cash for niece's shower pays for the cruise instead

Dear Abby
| Jeanne Philips

Dear Abby: My sister recently lost her husband, who passed away after a short battle with cancer. Her daughter, my niece, was getting married later this year. They are struggling with finances and the death of my brother-in-law has exacerbated the situation. To help, my wife and I quietly gave them $1,000 to spend on my niece’s shower so they could use it somewhere nice. My sister was grateful, but unfortunately we didn’t hear anything from my niece.

Fast forward a few months, and the wedding is now called off. My sister and her daughter recently went on a cruise and told me they have booked another one. There was no mention of returning our $1,000. My wife becomes increasingly frustrated and wants to say something to my sister, sparking a family feud. While I agree that the money should be returned, I’m inclined to just write it off rather than make a mess of it. I’d love to hear your perspective.

— Generous in the East

Dear Generous: My perspective is that when it comes to your sister and her daughter, you need to close your wallet tightly. The money is gone, and you are right in saying that raising the issue will cause ill will. Your generosity should have been recognized, and when the wedding was called off, your money should have been returned instead of being used for a mother-daughter vacation. If your niece manages to get married in the future, remember that you have already given her a “wedding gift.”

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Dear Abby: Our family is having its first reunion since my father and mother are no longer here. We three brothers now form the oldest generation. My older brothers plan the event. They invite my ex-wife of 21 years, but none of my three cousins’ exes. This is disturbing to me and my wife of 20 years.

I strongly believe that when you marry, you marry into the family, and when you divorce, you divorce ‘outside’ the family. My ex-wife and two sisters-in-law have remained close friends since our divorce and have avoided my current wife.

Should we be angry about the invitation? Shouldn’t we be there when my ex comes? One brother says she is still “part of the family” and belongs. My wife and I are furious. Who is here?

— Party Pooper in Iowa

Best Partypooper: Have your parents included your ex-wife in previous family reunions? If they did, I can see why she would be welcome here. But if not, I can understand your feelings, in light of the fact that your siblings’ wives have avoided your wife for twenty years.

That said, not all divorces are the same. Some former couples arrange an amicable divorce, and you cannot and should not dictate who your family members want to maintain a relationship with. If you and your wife would be more comfortable skipping the reunion, I wouldn’t blame you.

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