Why a Low-Maintenance Relationship Is Actually a Huge Red Flag

Do you consider yourself a low maintenance person? Does it seem like your relationship takes very little effort to maintain?

Maybe it’s time to think about the true nature of what low maintenance means. Is the concept of ‘low maintenance’ factual or a myth we have accepted because perhaps we are just a bit lazy?

Here’s why being in a high-maintenance relationship is a big red flag:

1. Low maintenance is a veneer

I always thought of myself as a low-maintenance woman, and at first glance that seemed to be true. I was happy with simple things, enjoyed being in nature and didn’t mind getting my hands a little dirty. I was easy-going, up for anything, and (bonus!) I could get ready to go in no time.

My late husband would also have been classified as “low maintenance.” Stable, calm, very slow to anger, patient and got along with everyone. Anyone who knew us would probably have described us as compatible, and admittedly, our relationship was – for the most part – what would be considered high-maintenance.

We were the best of friends, liked to do the same things, were deeply intimate and rarely argued. A study in the Marriage and Family Review helps show what the reality was, we were not ideologically low maintenance.

2. Because low maintenance is required, people are too compromising

He laughs harder than she does Photos five via Shutterstock

There was a lot of compromise – perhaps too much – because we both hated confrontation and could be lazy about ‘talking things out’. It was easier to sweep problems under the rug than to argue, and I usually apologized to defuse the tension (whether I felt like I was wrong or not) because described in a study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.

He wasn’t good at expressing his feelings, and it was like pulling teeth to explain why he was unhappy; it usually took him a few days to figure out what was bothering him. In the meantime, I would assume I had done something wrong and become obsessed. Sometimes I would choose one fighting to get him to respond.

3. Low maintenance also means that you don’t have to put in much effort

I finally realized that neither of us was the “low-maintenance” person we initially thought we were. The Gottman Institute helps show how we were just as affected by attachment as any other couple. I needed a lot of attention and comfort, and he needed a lot of encouragement to communicate. The point is – yes – most of the time we had an “easy” relationship, but we had to work at it.

We had to the time and often painful effort put into it (and yet sometimes we are wrong). What kept us together was NOT just love. We were committed and willing – if sometimes reluctantly – to talk about what was irritating us so we could reach a compromise… or let it go.

Psychologist Stan Tatkindatingcoach Sue Mandeland advisor/dating coach Samantha BrandtOpinions vary (and maybe even a little shocking!) Watch it twice to get an idea of what they think it takes to have a successful relationship (whether or not it’s ‘low maintenance ‘ is).

Do you think it’s still possible to be “low maintenance” even after years of being together and changing as a couple? See what our experts have to say.

The YourTango Experts team consists of licensed therapists, dating and life coaches, matchmakers, and more professionals who are committed to providing you with the tools and guidance for a happier, more rewarding life.