The man refuses to meet GF’s 3 children; GF yells, “You’re going to be a bad father!” AITA? UPDATE

When this man is confused by his girlfriend’s obsession with meeting her 3 children, he asks the Internet:

“AITA for refusing to meet my girlfriend’s kids?”

I am a 36 year old man. My parents are immigrants from Asia. I am very close to my family and I have a good job. I was madly in love with Jennifer (F, 36) in high school. We ended up hanging out a lot, but it never progressed beyond friendship.

A few months ago, I signed up for a dating app and saw Jennifer’s profile. I felt like a teenager again; she looked the same. I immediately messaged him and we started chatting. She told me she got married after high school, had three children, and separated from her husband amicably.

They are still very close; he lives a block from her and she works for him. She then met another man, had another baby, but things didn’t work out with him either.

Eventually, Jennifer told me she loved me in high school too. I took her on a date and we ended up talking a lot. I decided to be honest with her and told her that I would like to get married and have my own children one day.

She was frustrated and said I was ready to give up a real connection by having kids. She suggested we not talk about it for now and just enjoy each other’s company. I was very careful not to give him the wrong ideas (we only cuddled but didn’t have sex).

On our sixth date, she said she wanted me to meet her kids. I told him no because it’s a huge step and we’re not there yet. She got angry and said if I can’t be a good stepfather, how can I be a good father, I will be a bad father, etc. She said she was ready to have a baby with me.

I told him I had to think about it. My family is old fashioned and will be furious if they find out I’m thinking of getting serious with her (not because she’s white, but because of her marital status and kids), so I can’t discuss it with them .

Am I the asshole for being in love with her but not ready to see her kids or wanting to have biological kids?

Before we bring you OP’s update, let’s look at some of the top responses:

fendi7 writing :

NTA but six dates and she wants you to meet her kids?! This is also not a good idea.

face9 writing :

She just started talking to you a few months ago and told you she’s ready to have a baby with you, even though she already has 4 kids, with two different dads? Sometimes things happen to me and life doesn’t work out, but from the way you described it, I would run away.

gfreet writing :

She is delusional if she thinks the relationship with her is more important than being a father (which is your dream). She plays mind games and she looks scary!!

Also, why the hell would she allow you to meet her kids after just a few dates when you’re not even in a committed relationship? It’s a huge referee flag and I wonder why would you want her to be the mother of your children? Having a wife who hasn’t had children yet.

She is 36 years old and has 4 children with 2 different men! The 5th child could even be a danger to his health, not to mention the 6th! It would really be a danger to his health. Wouldn’t you also be embarrassed to see your baby mama and her 4 kids with 2 other guys…? And no one says “okay, I’ll just have a baby with you”

Edited: I didn’t realize at first that there were already 4 babies and 2 baby daddies.. OP course! If you want to have children, have someone younger.

crimeaa6 writing :

“If I can’t be a good stepfather, how can I be a good father.” “She was frustrated and said I was ready to give up a real connection by having kids.” These two answers are enough for you. NTA.

party4 writing :

NTA I wouldn’t want to date someone who would let me meet their kids after such a short time. A good parent would never do that and the fact that she expects you to meet him so soon shows the type of person she is.

She wants you to step up, play daddy, and take care of her and her kids. They are not your responsibility and you need to see the situation clearly.

Do you want to be a stepfather? If you date her, you will need to maintain a relationship with her children. Are you ready for this? What if she expects you to support her financially? Has she ever hinted at money problems?

Plus, you were in love with the idea of ​​her. You weren’t in love with who she really is. You barely know her. Don’t get confused. And don’t cling to nostalgia for the past. It’s been a long time and people change.

bleacherblonde writing :

My husband had children and was recently divorced when we met. On our second date, I asked him if he ever wanted to have more kids, because it wasn’t something I was ready to give up. He said yes, and here we are 20 years later. So it’s possible.

But honestly, it looks like she’s done and ready to say whatever you want to hear to get you to stay. She is looking for someone to pay her bills and take care of her burden.

I’d bet money she’d tell you she’s ready to have another, and string you along for a few years and then all of a sudden she’d change her mind or have fertility issues (because ‘she’s taking birth control behind your back or something) – she wants someone to take care of her and her children. You deserve better. Leave him alone.

It’s way too early to meet her kids, and she’s already made comments that allude to not wanting more until she knew you wanted one, and then oh, she change of opinion. Stay away.

It won’t be worth it, I can promise you that. I’m a step-parent, and being married is very difficult, not to mention baby daddies and drama, and it’s almost impossible. Coupled with the fact that she is carefree with more children….

She will love to bombard you, involve you and string you along and in 3 years when you are married she will change her mind about more children. Don’t take any risks.

makkabo writing :

Hard situation. She is who she is, you can’t change that and if you’re not okay with being a stepfather to her children and dealing with your parents’ reaction, you need to stop entertaining her and leave the situation. She, on the other hand, seems much too quick to want to find a replacement dad.

This is a wake-up call. As a single mother myself I tell you I am MEGA cautious about who gets to meet my child, 6 dates is definitely not enough time so I wonder why I am rushing. She also has 2 baby daddies and is now rushing to try to make you a third.

This is really bad judgment. You are NTA, but if you decide to continue knowing deep in your heart that it’s not really what you want, then you will be.

single raven writing :

Any woman who expects something from a man when it comes to children that aren’t hers has boundary issues, feels like everyone owes her something, and is a major problem. She will have social problems and problems behaving appropriately in public places, in addition to a plethora of other problems.

She may be hoping to find someone who shares an interest in her children, but her expectations are unrealistic and unacceptable. Women today wonder why they can’t find someone and end up becoming spinsters until the day they die. It’s cognitive dissonance because the problem is with everyone but them.

I would entertain a calm, grateful, disciplined woman with children who allowed a sort of something to spontaneously blossom with the children when the time was right.

If I heard one word unnaturally about kids and a relationship, anything, I would be completely ghosted. She needs to learn and sometimes a cold attitude is the only way.

Seems like she should have controlled herself and focused on a man like you while she was tossed between the football team. This is not your responsibility or even your place.

I’ll be fine, man. A woman like that will do very vindictive things to you at the first displeasure. Don’t get addicted and stay out of trouble.

And now, OP’s update:

I decided to finish with her in person. I thought ghosting was a cowardly method. We went out to dinner and then went for a walk. I told her I respect her as a friend but we want different things so let’s end this.

She started crying and said she would be alone forever. I told him that wasn’t true at all. I told her that she would meet a man who wants the same thing as her and that there are a lot of guys out there.

She cried more then asked if there was anyone else. I said no, I won’t end it because of someone else. Then she screamed and did a 180 and said, “Look how many guys I talk to on my phone!” You think I can’t do better than you? You’re so stupid ! You can’t even see that I chose you! I want you!”

I drove her home. I thought it was over. I woke up to a few nude photos which she sent to my Instagram and Snapchat. She captioned it, “4 kids later and I still had it! Too bad you want “different things”.

She’s friends with a few of my friends and they all say I’m AH for leading her on and abandoning her. I wish we could have remained friends, but I made a cowardly move and blocked her everywhere.

Readers continued to weigh in on OP’s update:

criminal5 writing :

This is not a cowardly way of blocking it everywhere. You’re doing him a favor. The less contact she has with you, the faster she will move forward.

I never understand how other people put their two cents in in situations like this. The only two people who really know the situation are OP and ex.

Please writing :

She was looking for a supplier. I understand we all have baggage, but Cray had more than his fair share. 2 baby daddies (a full relationship just wasn’t enough), 4 kids, and working for one of your baby daddies that you live a block from. Phew.

gaga09 writing :

NTA You have just dodged a very costly and liability-filled bullet. You didn’t guide her. You didn’t promise anything. You’ve only gone out on a few dates and you haven’t even worn his pants. 6 dates and she calls you stepfather!

Remember, the girl you liked in high school was a hot girl you had a fantasy about in your head. You have just discovered that in real life, she is a walking alarm bell. It doesn’t seem like her BDs are deadbeats, so she seems to be the problem.