Are you ready for the debate from hell?

Donald Trump and Joe Biden

Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images; Puce Somodevilla/Getty Images

In the fantastic HBO documentary Ren Faire, a sullen 86-year-old owner of the Texas Renaissance Festival who calls himself King George, refuses to cede control of his empire to a new generation of leaders. As a result, everyone around him is plunged into anxiety and chaos. This week we have a televised debate between two King Georges who are equally determined to retain power, except they’re fighting over control of nuclear weapons and domestic politics instead of turkey legs and kettle corn.

We’ve heard it before: Polls have repeatedly shown that this is a rematch most Americans don’t want. Biden and Trump are the two oldest major party candidates to be registered to vote. And with their first clash of 2024 airing on Thursday, the bar has never been lower for both debates. Democrats are just hoping Biden can hold on without appearing to be mentally slipping. Republicans are praying that Trump doesn’t act too crazy (and Also I hope he doesn’t seem to be mentally slipping, given recent reports that Trump is meandering absurdly).

We are told that this debate is the most important ever organized. If one (or both!) candidates go completely off the rails, this might just be the case. Otherwise, we already know these guys… Also GOOD. It used to be that a presidential debate was about: Which candidate has the most inspiring vision for America’s future and gives viewers the most confidence in his leadership? This debate is: Which candidate can stand up and speak for 90 minutes without making us sad and scared? It’s like choosing between a man who will do a bad job by accident and a man who will do an even worse job on purpose.

Trump claims Biden will use performance-enhancing drugs. Biden’s speeches at major events tend to sound rather overwrought and shouty. So honestly, maybe he will. But also: so what? Sixth graders use Adderall to succeed in social studies. Are we really going to blame an 81-year-old for taking a little something-something to get through a presidential debate? And also, let’s not forget that there was a report about the widespread use of speed in the Trump White House. Every accusation is a projection, etc.

In terms of preparation, Biden’s team has said that he is diligently preparing for the Camp David debate. Trump has suggested that he is doing virtually no preparation, which sounds like a personal statement: Who wants a president who can’t even study for a test? If Trump is playing the game of lowering expectations, he shouldn’t worry about it. Our expectations are already in the ground for this debate, there is no need to start digging holes.

Trump’s team attacked CNN debate moderator Jack Tapper, saying he was biased. This is the kind of thing a candidate typically does after performing poorly in a debate. Doing so before a single question has been asked resembles Trump’s familiar style of pre-losing. This is another 2020 election: “everything is rigged unless I win”.

The debate will also introduce some format changes, and at least one is welcome: Cutting the mic when it’s not someone’s turn to speak is a measure that should have been implemented years ago. “Don’t interrupt” is a standard of behavior in elementary school, but presidential candidates can’t seem to follow it anymore (as the recent Democratic and Republican primaries demonstrated). Many believe the new rule will help Biden because Trump interrupts so much. I suspect it’s a gift in disguise for Trump – his muzzle will give viewers the impression that he’s less annoying than he wants to be. Of course, there’s a chance that Trump could literally shout on the other side of the stage, so Biden’s mic picks up his comment anyway; Muting the sound only works for polite people.

The Biden team refusing to allow a public debate, however, seems cowardly. If you’re proud of your record, you shouldn’t have trouble defending it to people who might disagree with you. If you want to deal with global emergencies, show us you can handle a few boos.

It’s a symptom of a larger problem: how isolated candidates have become on the campaign trail from ordinary people who might disagree with them on camera. We haven’t had a town hall-style debate with two candidates on the same stage since 2016. Remember back then, George W. Bush and Al Gore sitting in those little chairs looking like deep-seated talk show hosts sincere answers to the questions of commoners?

CNN debate moderators Tapper and Dana Bash will ask professional journalists (read: boring) questions that the candidates will likely be prepared to answer. During public debates, candidates sometimes received crazy and wonderful questions that no one expected. If only a Gold Star mother could demand that Trump tell her to her face that her son or daughter killed in combat was an “asshole” and a “loser” (as he allegedly said about veterans). Or if only someone whose family finances have been devastated by inflation could directly confront Biden about his spending and his disdain on the issue. But no, modern campaigns have silenced the poor.

It’s hard to even imagine a debate this year with ordinary people getting tough on Trump and Biden without both getting sharp and irritated in return. How dare they? Insolence! Which brings us back to what the candidates have in common with their advanced age: royal law. In 2016, Trump declared, “Only I can solve” America’s problems. Earlier this year, Biden defended his decision to run again, saying, “I’m the only one who ever beat (Trump).” So here we are again. We prepare to watch this debate through our fingers. Prepare the corn in a kettle.