Experts warn couples who sleep apart to take these things into consideration

Couples are becoming more honest about sleeping in separate beds or rooms, whether it’s because one partner snores, there’s too much movement in bed, work schedules don’t match, or they simply prefer their own space.

But while it may work for many — with celebrities like Cameron Diaz and Brian Cox helping to normalize what some describe as a sleep divorce — two relationship experts cautioned against the differences between making a healthy decision that benefits both partners and fueling the disconnect.

Here’s a look at the pros and cons and key things to consider when ditching the shared bed with your other half.

Why do couples sleep in separate beds?

For some (who have the luxury of doing so), sleeping in separate beds can strengthen the relationship and well-being of each individual, or help new parents sleep longer. For others, it can represent a disconnect or breakup, or be the result of an argument.

Naomi Magnus, psychotherapist and clinical director at North London Therapy Practice, and Hilary Sims, counsellor and founder of Life Balance Counselling, share their thoughts via Opera Beds.

In terms of potential benefitsMagnus explains: “In some relationships, partners find that sleeping apart is good for their sexual chemistry and physical intimacy. So, in the rare moments they do get together, they feel a sense of novelty and excitement. Some couples report feeling more attracted when they don’t have to hear each other snore or talk in their sleep.”

Sims adds: “I’ve worked with couples who were snoring and restless in bed. Rather than let it ruin a relationship that was going well, they would spend a few nights a week in separate beds. This doesn’t mean the end of the relationship; for some people it improves it because they can sleep and function every day without feeling irritated.”

Key Things to Consider When Sleeping Apart

Make sure you are on the same page

Sims says having one partner disagree with the decision could create a “major problem” in a relationship, and couples need to be willing to compromise, set rules about frequency and respect each other.

“Suggesting sleeping in separate beds can lead to one partner resenting the other. It’s important to approach the topic carefully and discuss the reasons why. Not being on the same page could be the start of a major problem in the relationship,” she explains.

“The partner who wants to sleep in separate beds will need to explain their reasons, and the other partner may need to understand that their loved one is making this decision because of their lack of sleep, not their partner as a whole.

“It’s an issue that’s easy to personalize and for the non-participating partner to think, ‘He doesn’t love me anymore’ – but most of the time, that’s not the case.”

Be aware of widening emotional or physical distance

“I’ve seen resentment grow in relationships where one partner can’t get a good night’s sleep because of the other person’s snoring or their incompatible sleep needs,” Magnus says.

“If partners can agree to sleep apart to improve their sleep quality and thus better manage life’s daily challenges together, then it probably works. But if sleeping apart creates emotional or physical distance, it may be time to rethink the situation.”

So if you have a specific goal in mind, like being well rested, don’t let closeness as a whole be the sacrifice of the relationship.

Don’t let time pass without nurturing the relationship

The psychotherapist also warns against the risk of sleeping apart for too long, which can lead to a prolonged period of disconnection that is difficult to recover from. “I have found that many parents of young children have relationships affected by prolonged nights apart. After a few years, it can be difficult to regain the comfort of physical intimacy, and when this happens, I usually find that couples need to relearn how to be close again.”

Be aware of hostility

Magnus points out that every couple handles their difficulties differently. “Sometimes these issues are easily forgiven or ridiculed if the relationship is in good shape. But if it is struggling and the dynamic is tense or hostile, the incompatibility between two people sleeping next to each other will be difficult to overcome and can sometimes lead to the breakdown of the partnership.”

How to approach the subject for the first time

The first hurdle is often bringing up the idea of ​​sleeping separately or talking about sleep issues. But it seems the real solution is to talk, talk, and talk some more.

“Say what you feel, always start with ‘I’ – ‘I have trouble sleeping when you…’. Most of the time, a partner doesn’t realise that their actions are affecting their other half, especially if they are asleep. So avoid pointing fingers or shaming them. Take responsibility for how things are affecting you and ask yourself how you can solve the problem together,” advises Magnus.

Sims adds that some boundaries may need to be set if the decision is made. “When you’re making this change, you need to set some rules about frequency or impact on intimacy. Couples need to find a solution that works for both parties, which may mean compromises on both sides.”

If you’ve considered all of these things, there’s really nothing wrong with sleeping separately. “Socially, I think there’s still a certain stigma attached to couples sharing the idea of ​​sleeping in separate beds, with judgments and preconceived notions about what that means for their relationship. But there shouldn’t be, if a couple has found something that works for them, and if it was a conscious and empowering choice that both “Partners benefit from this,” Magnus sums up.

Watch: Why Couples Might Benefit From Sleeping in Separate Beds