I never wanted children and I’m traumatised by childbirth, but people blame me for my bad experience, says Ashley James

They say pregnancy and childbirth are a magical experience, but for many people it can be a complete nightmare.

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Ashley James, 37, is one of those unlucky people who had an unpleasant birth.

The ordeal left her “traumatised”, but to some people she has only herself to blame for her experience.

Before meeting partner Tom Andrews, 32, with whom she shares little ones Ada and Alfie, Ashley says she “never wanted children”.

“I never imagined that I would one day be a mother. I always wanted not to have children,” she adds.

But when she gave birth to her son, Alfie, during lockdown and spent the first six months “in complete bliss”, she thought her change of heart would last.

It was only when the world began to open up again that she realized how much her life had changed and wished for her old life back.

“All the reasons I didn’t want to be a mom, I felt like I was living that reality,” she said.

“You would then feel guilty for wanting to take a child away because, obviously, you love him and want the best for him.”

Speaking on the Made by Mummas podcast, the presenter also opened up about how her birth experience left her “traumatised”.

During her labor, despite her desire for pain relief, Ashley said she was denied it.

“They kept pushing me away, but saying, ‘If you let us do this, we’ll give you pain relief.’ So it was the physical exams that were really agony,” she explained.

“They kind of pinned me down and forced me to do these checks and (the pain relief) never came.”

Because she gave birth during lockdown, Ashley said she also had to “beg” for her partner Tom to be by her side in hospital.

This meant that the “positive mindset” she had before going into labour quickly faded.

“Because I’ve run a few London Marathons, I know I can kind of push my body through the pain.

“But it was when I got there that things started to go wrong – I was in constant pain, 18 hours of pretty intense pain,” the former Made In Chelsea star told fans on Instagram.

After welcoming Alfie into the world, Ashely looked over the hospital notes from her birth and was shocked to learn that the only reason she hadn’t received pain relief was because she was “doing well.”

The mother even asked her partner for advice, who agreed that it was clear she wanted some form of pain relief during labor.

“It was the worst experience and it completely shattered my trust (in health professionals),” she said.

Unfortunately, the lack of pain relief was only part of the problem for the reality star, who claimed she was also “stitched up incorrectly,” resulting in fecal incontinence, leaving her unable to control her bowel movements.

“I felt disgusted,” she admitted.

“I went from being a very healthy, athletic person to someone who no longer knew if I could trust my body to function.”

It’s not like I’m wearing a badge of honor, I’m literally traumatized for life.

Ashley James 37

During this time, Ashley was also diagnosed with vaginismus, an involuntary tightening of the vagina that can make intercourse and even tampon insertion excruciatingly painful.

Before the diagnosis and its eventual correction at 22 months postpartum, Ashley said doctors told her the pain was “all in her head.”

“How could I stand people telling me it’s all in my head, like I’m crazy, when it’s actually something women understand,” she said.

The presenter even admitted that, despite her difficulties, people had little sympathy for her.

This discourse around postpartum care is something Ashley wants to combat.

“If I try to talk about it, it’s like saying, ‘Oh, well, at least Alfie was safe’ and ‘Do you think you’re the first person to have given birth?’

“Then you also have this toxic positive narrative of ‘all you hear are negative birth experiences’ and I’m like, it’s not like I’m wearing a badge of honor, I’m literally traumatized for life.”

Ashley continued: “It’s so frustrating because we blame women for this bad experience.”

Now, when she talks about her negative experience, the mother says she feels like she always has to preface it with the fact that she “obviously loves” her children.

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