Curious parent Harpreet Grover explains how spending 5 minutes with your kids can be helpful

Harpreet Singh Grover, an entrepreneur and content creator, took his young daughter to a swimming pool in Mumbai. But unlike all other parents, he didn’t impose a time limit on her. She was free to swim and frolic in the pool for as long as she wanted, and after 3.5 hours of fun, she was ready to go home.

I found this to be a refreshing approach to parenting. Wouldn’t we all love to sit in a swimming pool for three hours? Wouldn’t we all just love to “live in the moment” without worrying about time or running from pillar to post? Why then do we impose the same mindset and put our children in the rat race from the age of 18 months?

Today, children go to several classes after school and do not have time to sit or play. They do not even have time to understand where their interests lie. And the biggest problem is that they do not have time to build real bonds and relationships with their parents, friends or other family members.

“In my previous work, where I came into contact with many young students, I noticed that many of them were averse to change. They were often too set in their ways to accept any transformation that came their way,” says Harpreet.

“At 35 or 40, these people usually realize that they are not doing what they love. They realize that many of their mistakes are due to the way they were raised,” he explains.

The 41-year-old ran a startup called CoCubes that connected universities and companies for placements where his interactions with recent graduates raised several red flags.

“If you told someone they were shy, they would carry that as a fact about them for the rest of their life,” he says.

It was only much later that he discovered the true impact of effective communication with children. He sold his startup in 2016 when his daughter was still a baby. As he immersed himself in parenting and began researching child psychology, he discovered that establishing a strong foundation in the early years was the key to a well-rounded individual.

The more he read, the more he understood how important it was for parents to step back, observe their children, involve them in a daily routine, and let them become individuals in their own right, without the need for praise or rewards.

This exercise also helped him discover motivation within himself in his late 30s. In 2022, he began sharing his learnings about parenting through his YouTube and Instagram channel under the name “TheCuriousParent,” with over a million followers.

Take 5 minutes a day to understand your child

After completing his schooling in Patiala, Harpreet pursued civil engineering from IIT Bombay. After working as a consultant for a few years, he started CoCubes with his college roommate. They helped fresh graduates from tier 2 and 3 cities find jobs in various companies, which was often difficult.

“The arrow has left the bow and is going in a certain direction, after which it cannot move. Even though we asked them to improve certain skills, something was stopping them. I felt like I was wasting my time,” Harpreet says candidly. The best India.

After selling his company to Aon Hewitt in 2016, he devoted a few years to his passion for mountaineering and ultra marathon running. However, in doing so, he missed out on spending precious time with his baby.

This made him question whether he was making the right choices.

“Whenever I spoke to older people, their only regret was that they didn’t spend enough time with their children. They always said they didn’t realise it when their children were growing up. I didn’t want to have that same regret,” says Harpreet.

Realizing the consequences of his actions, he began spending more time at home with his daughter.

Talking about the importance of the early years of a child’s life and the role of parents, Suman Khanna, Counselling Psychologist and Founder of Mind Unwind, Mumbai, says that this is when they start understanding the world and the environment around them.

“In the early years of life, especially in the first six months, a child does not know how to ask for something. Having a parent there to comfort him gives him a sense of security and creates a secure attachment style. This allows the child to start trusting his environment,” says Suman.

Harpreet adds, “Parenting is not about the child, it’s about the parent. Having a child gives us an opportunity to truly reflect and change ourselves.”

Harpreet began to enjoy being an active father and had a lot of fun with his daughter. He would take her to the park, swimming pool and just enjoyed being a parent. This allowed him to notice how other children interacted with their parents.

“Let’s take a swimming class for example. Despite some children’s fear, the instructor simply throws the child into the water. But what is the impact on the child? Does it affect them negatively? Why would a parent allow this? I had so many questions,” he shares.

It became clear to him that the model of a well-balanced human being begins to emerge in the earliest years.

“The first six to eight years of our lives are the most important, because the first ‘AI model’ of our brain is written without our consent. Children simply become what they see,” he adds emphatically.

He then started sharing on social media his understanding of parenting and why children behave in a certain way. Since parents have very busy lives, Harpreet wants to help them through his five-minute videos.

“Parents, observe from a distance”

“Children don’t come with a manual. In the old days, people used to say: ‘Bacche aise hi bade ho jayenge’ (Children grow up automatically). Yes, but will they grow up properly? That’s why I want parents to observe their children. Think about it Why “They do what they do,” he said.

This approach significantly changed Harpreet’s relationship with his daughter, who spent the first two years of her life in daycare. But after she turned three and started school, Harpreet made sure to spend all of his time with her. Another thing he changed was moving away from the carrot-and-stick approach (using rewards and punishments to encourage desired behavior that most of us are used to).

He argues that every child is intrinsically motivated to grow, and that if we don’t need to offer them a reward for walking or talking, we don’t need to do the same for any other task.

He also questions whether we should put children in so many classes and whether they really enjoy them.

“We have to give our kids the space to find what they love. We have to give them the opportunity to figure out what they love. It took me 40 years to get to something I love. Today, I’m internally motivated, no one pushes me. I don’t do it for fame, money or external validation. I do it because I love it,” he adds.

Harpreet stresses that children need to be taught to regulate their emotions. Hitting is obviously not the way to do it, nor is pinning them to a screen.

“When they’re 30 and they’re angry, are they going to look at a screen and calm down? We shouldn’t be teaching kids to distract themselves because we don’t want to help them manage their emotions. Just because we weren’t taught that doesn’t mean we should repeat it to the next generation,” he adds.

“When a child is looking at a screen, they are not interested in what is around them. This is the fundamental problem that leads to many mental health issues. To avoid this, we need to involve children in a daily routine of household chores, take them outside and create a community of friends with whom they can play. The idea is to keep children involved in meaningful work that also fosters empathy,” he adds.

“Emotions cannot be replaced by cell phones or screens,” he says.

For all parents, Harpreet offers some basic advice:

“Parenting is not about the child”

Along with parenting videos, Harpreet also offers two courses, one on ‘Understanding Your Child’ and the other on ‘How to Choose a School’.

“School is a preparation for life. Choose a school where mistakes are allowed. No special school can make your child a real success. A school should provide a loving and caring environment where children are free to learn for themselves. A child does not need to be educated. Avoid a school that thinks a child needs to be educated,” he adds.

The current education system is a relic of the Prussian model of education that aimed to prepare factory workers, he said.

The curious parent says we need to find a school where the child is involved in an interactive environment filled with love and joy.

Debika Chatterji, Principal, JBCN International School, Borivali, says, “It’s not about the board, it’s about the people. Talk to the principal and teachers of the school. They should speak a language of compassion, care and follow best practices. The school should focus on the holistic development of the child and take ownership of their education.”

Doing so would prevent these children from becoming adults who question their life choices at age 40, he says. Ultimately, it comes down to whether we feel happy in our lives. If the child sees a happy adult who feels in control of his life, he will learn that.

“A child is meant to make efforts. He learns to walk and talk on his own. Why does he become lazy at 10? We must have done something wrong. Find a school that focuses on the child, not on training engineers and doctors,” he adds.

“We also need to ensure that our relationship with our partner is good, because that is the definition of love for your child. Also, ensure that your relationship with work is good,” says Harpreet.

How can we raise courageous children if we ourselves are fearful? This does not mean that you should let your child do whatever they want. The idea is not to raise a consumer, but a person who has an intrinsic motivation to do things. The best way to do this is to lead by example.

“It is important that parents put their money where their mouth is,” agrees the school principal.

“I don’t want to have any regrets. I intend to live my life the best I can and I don’t want to wish I was doing anything else. I feel happy, which my daughter sees too. My mind and body are aligned,” he adds, hoping that building a better “you” will help you build a better relationship with and understand your child.

Edited by Padmashree Pande, images courtesy of Harpreet Grover