Ellen DeGeneres’ Netflix Special Reveals Pain She Can’t Seem To Shake Off

“When you’re a public figure,” Ellen DeGeneres sighed in “For Your Approval,” her new Netflix special, “you’re open to everyone’s interpretation.” The comedian reflected on radicalism and savagery concerninginterpretation of her image after allegations of “racism, fear and bullying” on the set of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” were published by BuzzFeed in 2020. She went from being beloved (or is that pronounced belove-ED? she asks repeatedly) to “the most hated person in America.”

Amid long, funny passages about how odd it is that magicians are being asked to entertain dementia patients in nursing homes, DeGeneres spends a good chunk of time, in what she calls her “farewell” performance, digesting her newfound infamy. The result is a somewhat disjointed and confusing piece of meta-art. Still, “For Your Approval” raises valid questions about the intersection of celebrity, gender, mental health, and the hungry Twitter mob.

Questions like: How does an artist really feel when they are written off? Is Ellen truly sorry for what she has done to others? Or does she simply wish that Americans would be less sexist, less naive about their idols, and grow up?

Considering she’s been canceled twice — once for her show “Ellen” and again for the real-life Ellen DeGeneres — she clearly has a point of view to share. Her first cancellation came after she came out in 1997 on her sitcom (and a little before that in real life). She saw her show quickly receive a parental advisory and then get canceled. When Oprah Winfrey interviewed her about coming out, death threats and bomb threats followed. Americans need to grow up.

In 2003, she experienced a resurgence in popularity with the launch of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show.” For most of its 19-year run, the seemingly radiant host enjoyed fame, good vibes, good ratings, great wealth, and the love of a large and loyal fan base. They supported her as she pranked her gorgeous guests, danced with her joyful audience, and urged her fans to be kind.

She was, as she explained in her 2018 special “Relatable,” the “good girl.” Everyone loved her and thought Stage Ellen and Real Ellen were one and the same. During her mammograms, she joked, fans would come up to her and ask if she could dance for them.

Then, three stories led to her second cancellation. There was a 2018 New York Times profile aptly titled “Ellen DeGeneres Isn’t as Nice as People Think.” Then there was a 2019 interview with Dakota Johnson about DeGeneres snubbing Johnson’s birthday party. Then, in 2020, there was that BuzzFeed exposé accusing her of overseeing a toxic workplace culture. It shattered her image. Suddenly, the “nice girl” was reinterpreted.

The allegations were numerous: she was abusive to her staff (especially her black staff), guests, celebrities, waiters, etc. The incident with Dakota Johnson revealed that Ellen, who was practically LGBTQ royalty, had skipped Johnson’s birthday party to spend time with former President George W. Bush, who had been so staunchly opposed to same-sex marriage.

Smelling blood, the internet, that instrument of rapid vigilance, went to work reframing Ellen’s narrative. Remember the time she made Taylor Swift cry? Or the time she mocked Sofia Vegara’s English? And what about Johnson’s short-skirt shaming? The earlier whispers and blind objects were recontextualized, and not in a way that made Ellen look good.

In “For Your Approval,” DeGeneres addresses a lot of that pain. Except when she doesn’t. There are isolated passages that have nothing to do with her tribulations. She talks about rescuing a soaking wet dog that didn’t need rescuing. For example, she kidnapped the pet of someone who was simply minding his own business after a bath.

It’s unclear how these observations relate to the rest of the series. What is certain is that DeGeneres is deeply reflecting on her ordeal. She’s in therapy to deal with the hate. She’s no longer getting Botox or fillers. She feels judged when she dines out. She’s gardening to pass the time.

Toward the end of a set that subtly reminds us that being a woman in show business, especially a gay woman, is not easy, the audience applauds her long and enthusiastic applause when she says, “I am a strong woman.”

But even after this moment of elation and apparent resolution, DeGeneres returns to the pain she can’t shake. “I’ve spent my whole life,” she sighs as her audience sits back down, “trying to make people happy, and I’ve cared too much about what other people thought of me. So the idea that someone would think I was mean was devastating to me.” Caring too much about what people think is precisely what’s damaging her mental health, she says. So she’s done with it all! Done (enthusiastic applause)!

Then she continues: “But if I’m honest… and I have the choice between people remembering me as someone who’s mean or someone who’s loved. Belove-ED?… I’d choose that” (more enthusiastic applause).

She doesn’t care what people think. Except she do Their contempt inflicts immense pain on her. But no, it doesn’t. She’s over all that. But it clearly isn’t. All these emotional shifts may be contradictory, but that’s also what makes them authentic.

He also warns Twitter mobs against behaving more intelligently. But such a fix could never be made. Perhaps the proper solution would be for fans and haters alike to never be part of a Twitter mob? It’s time to grow up.

“I used to say,” she explains, “that I didn’t care what people thought of me, but I said that at the height of my popularity.” Now that she’s older, she’s more reflective. Being more reflective, of course, doesn’t necessarily solve a dilemma; it just clarifies what the dilemma is. In this case, the dilemma is that criticism hurts her. It always will, even if she wishes it didn’t. Clarification is the solution.

This article was originally published on MSNBC.com