I ask Eric: I hurt my husband. How do we proceed?

Updated: 32 minutes ago Published: 32 minutes ago

Dear Erik: Nearly 10 years ago, my husband was in a life-changing car accident. It left him with neurological problems, some of which continue to this day. He was unable to convey to me the depth of his emotional pain and frustrations from the neurological trauma, and I, instead of showing empathy, became a whiny, frustrated harpy, bombarding him with questions like why he hadn’t unloaded the dishwasher and why he was always asleep when I got home from work.

Through several honest, candid conversations over the past three years, my husband has revealed his (deserved) pain and disappointment over the way I treated him in the year after the accident. He has stated that he is not sure he could ever forgive me.

I have apologized to him countless times for my horrible behavior and have had to dig deep to face my own insecurities and inner demons. Although he recognizes that I am trying to be a better person, he says that “people don’t change” and is wary that I will be nicer to him in the future.

My husband has asked that while we sort things out, we continue our daily lives of work, family, and simple pleasures, and that we both try not to make things awkward between us. He said he wasn’t sure if he loved me, but that he will always have love for me. I feel hopeless that he will stay in our marriage. He refuses to ask for advice, but I’m considering going for myself. Could you please give another point of view on this situation?

– At a crossroads

Best Crossroads: Counseling yourself is the right next step. It may be helpful to talk to someone outside your marriage about the hopelessness you feel and the guilt you have expressed about your past behavior.

A therapist can also help you forgive yourself for the unintentional hurt, which is just as important as forgiving your husband. People change, but the past does not. However, changing our relationship with the past is a powerful tool on the path to healing.

Unfortunately, I don’t think your husband’s plan is the best course of action. He is dealing with the trauma of the accident, but also the trauma of feeling neglected by a loved one. That’s a lot to deal with and he needs support. Furthermore, whatever the future holds for your marriage, you need to be able to communicate with each other. It sounds like that’s not completely possible at the moment. If he isn’t willing to go to therapy with you, see if he considers talking to someone on his own.

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Dear Erik: My girlfriend and I have been together for a while. She has a wide circle of friends, some of whom we see regularly, and I always enjoy it. But several times a year we are invited to big parties, and I always feel comfortable there. I simply don’t find them conducive to easy conversation, so I usually keep to myself, sometimes discreetly leaving and walking around the neighborhood. I recently failed my girlfriend and she seemed very disappointed. How should I approach this?

– Party pooper

Best party: Your friend may be disappointed that you don’t enjoy the things she does, but I hope she also realizes that you made the healthy choice to talk about your needs instead of wallowing in discomfort. While she may imagine you joining her wide circle of friends, she also knows you and, one assumes, understands that you are more introverted.

Assure her that you’re okay with having a few out-of-town gatherings. If there are any meetings she would rather not attend alone, discuss this in advance and see if you can come to a compromise. Maybe you chat for half an hour and then give her a kiss and tell her you’ll see her at home. Knowing what the plan is in advance will help you both manage expectations.

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Dear Erik: I really enjoy your advice newspaper column. Thank you. I’m writing to comment on the common words people, including yourself, use when someone feels hurt by something someone says or does. As a psychotherapist, I believe that it is codependent to believe that someone has “hurt your feelings.” I believe it is more accurate and less critical to respond with, “I felt hurt by what you said/did.” Part of the therapy world is learning to communicate with “I” statements versus “you” statements. “I” statements are usually better received than “you” statements and make the recipient feel less criticized and therefore less defensive.

– I-statements

Dear I-statements: Thank you very much for pointing this out. It’s so important and yet sometimes I forget and refer to “you” statements. I really appreciate the reminder.