How much can you learn as a parent by playing Dungeons & Dragons? A lot, this father says

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I was one of the kids from Keller, Texas who grew up playing Dungeons & Dragons. My brother was always the dungeon master and I was a wizard who threw fireballs in very confined spaces.

When the pandemic hit decades later, I began teaching my son and 15 other kids in our neighborhood in Kansas City, Missouri, to play the RPG that Gary Gygax co-created in his basement in 1974. I was the dungeon master, the person in the game who creates the story and guides players through the imaginary world.

I used Dungeons & Dragons to pass the time during the Covid-19 pandemic, and it became the best way I knew to parent, with ethical discussions taking place during the game’s typical long campaigns: should players talk to the bartender or instead from that? loot your establishment? Could children be murderous vagabonds, a game term for those who will attack and kill other characters?

Shelly Mazzanoble wasn’t surprised that Dungeons & Dragons helped me become a father. She’s making the same case in her new book, “How to Dungeon Master Parenting: A Guidebook for Gamifying the Child-Rearing Quest, Leveling Up Your Skills, and Raising Future Adventurers,” which will be released on November 12.

“Dungeon masters embody some of the best traits humans can have,” Mazzanoble said. “They are very generous, very kind, very collaborative, open-minded. They have the coolest accessories.”

On day 50^the Dungeons & Dragons anniversary, I spoke with Mazzanoble to find out how parents can apply the game’s lessons to their upbringing.

This conversation has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.

CNN: How similar are the roles of master and father?

Shelly Mazzanoble: D&D is a collaborative storytelling game, and you, the dungeon master, are leading this journey into the unknown. I don’t know what will happen. I’m just here to make sure you’re all safe, you’re all having fun, and you’re all challenged, but not too challenged. The unknown in this is exactly what (dungeon masters) love, and it’s exactly what parents fear. You simply continue as a dungeon master.

By the time my son was 5 or 6, I thought if I could embody these same traits as a father, I (the father) would be so much better. Then it occurred to me: Why couldn’t I think about being a father the same way a dungeon master thinks about a D&D game? Why couldn’t (parenthood) be a collaborative journey? Why couldn’t this story be something we both tell and expand before us?

CNN: Where should parents start?

Mazzanoble: Start at session zero, which for players is when the party meets with the dungeon master for the first time, and you talk about the type of character you want to play.

Session zero for parents is the same idea. You bring together the people who will support you on your parenting journey. You talk about what it means to be parents together. What are your goals here? How do you want to raise this child? How are you going to discipline this child? It’s amazing how many people will say they never talked about their child using a pacifier or being disciplined. Are we going to take breaks or are we going to ground them?

CNN: You say everyone needs to be a generous contributor. What do you mean?

Mazzanoble: I love the idea of ​​working together. If I Am Not a Rogue – a character class in D&D known for its bag of cunning and sneaky tricks – I won’t try to pick that lock, but I can support the rogue by keeping watch or distracting a guard with my cool magic trick. They need to be supported. They will support me, the group’s mage, acting as a shield and getting out of the way when I throw fireballs.

Now do this with the children in your life. Include them in the conversation and some decision-making, and give them some autonomy (and support) as they grow.

CNN: Parenthood can be very isolating. How do you find your fellow adventurers for the quest?

Mazzanoble: Finding your parenting tribe is key. They are people who know what you are going through and don’t care if you forget to respond to their messages. These are people you can hang out with and bring your child with. They catch you.

Your local hospital can often refer you to meetings and groups or consult with early childhood intervention groups. Some cities have new parent support groups, and you can join one of these groups. You’re building this network of parents.

CNN: It can be overwhelming for new parents. We tend to judge ourselves too harshly. How can we regroup with parents for another day?

Mazzanoble: You accept failure as an opportunity to tell a new story. Destigmatize the whole failure thing. I probably fail multiple times a day with my child, but am I failing or am I discovering it? Now it’s just a really cool part of your story that you didn’t even know existed.

CNN: What is sandbox framing and how does it apply to Dungeons & Dragons and parents?

Mazzanoble: It’s the idea that there is chaos, but there is control in that chaos. It’s a world you create as you go.

How do you navigate this sandbox world as a parent? A good sandbox team puts a bunch of toys in the sandbox and then sits down and says, “I wonder which ones they’re going to play with and what they’re going to do.” You are here to guide this story.

The same applies to parenting. You created this world, the safe space for your child to explore. Everything in the sandbox is approved. It’s safe. You sit back and see where this journey takes them.

You are the sandbox lifeguard. You are there to add or take away – to make sure they are having fun and learning. They learn to have agency in their own lives, which is 100% a habit and skill we need to develop as parents.

CNN: Our children will face challenges their parents never faced. Can role play help teach them skills to grow?

Mazzanoble: Whether we’re in a D&D game or not, we roleplay all the time. This is how I teach my son empathy. I ask him: “What would you do in this situation? What if you’re a kid in class and you don’t have many friends?” My son will say, “That’s terrible. I hate that feeling.” Then the next day he can go to school and invite a child to have lunch with him.

Through D&D, it works because he can see the consequences of those decisions. They are all actions and consequences. You can empower your children to see how they imprint themselves on this world and how their choices will affect other people, affect other things and how it will affect their future.

Shannon Carpenter is a writer, author of the book “The best stay-at-home dad”And married and father of three children.

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