Question for Eric: man refuses to use the bathroom inside

Dear Eric: This letter is probably best read after that first cup of coffee in the morning. My 50+ year old husband has a habit of urinating outside, even though his office has its own bathroom.

His father and uncle did the same, but they chose an old patch of ivy as their ‘offering’.

My husband stands above the beautiful landscape on our small terrace. I have often said that I am offended, that the plants are offended and that he should stop this rudeness, if only because it upsets me so much.

When he gets caught, he apologizes profusely, but it happens again and again. I feel disrespected. I think this issue is about more than just marking his territory. Can you help?

– Sad in Urinetown

Dear Sad: Well, I drank coffee, but unfortunately it didn’t help. If your husband has been doing this your entire marriage—maybe even his entire life—I’m inclined to say you can’t teach an experienced dog new tricks. Only he’s not a dog and he doesn’t claim a new fire hydrant in the neighborhood.

When it comes to marking territory, you and he have already marked the territory by signing your mortgage or lease agreement. And you marked it again by paying for or working on your landscaping.

So you’re right: it’s disrespectful to you that he can’t find another outdoor toilet or change his habit. I’m perplexed by his profuse apologies, followed by him doing the exact same thing. Whether this is a very specific pattern of forgetfulness or a blatant disregard for your feelings, it is cause for concern.

I can’t tell from your letter if you suspect he has memory problems, but if that’s an option, you’ll want to talk to him and your doctor about any other symptoms you notice. However, if he is only set in his way, then set yourself in your way too. Tell him that you are tired of being upset by this behavior and that you need him to respect you enough to make a change.

Do you know those little garden signs that discourage people from letting their dogs do their work in the garden? You may want to invest in one and place it on your patio. For an audience of one.

Dear Eric: For a while, my husband and I were struggling mentally, financially, and in every practical way. We asked local relatives for help moving to a new city. The family – a man and a woman – organized something that I later realized was intended as a kind of ‘intervention’ about our decisions.

A few days later the woman was very chatty via text asking everything about the move. I didn’t think anything of it until the man (my relative) called me and blew up at me about everything the woman had passed on to him. He shouted, berated me and asked how stupid I could be. I hung up and then sent a text to both of them saying they didn’t have to agree with our decisions, but they couldn’t talk to me like that.

There was more name-calling via text message. The woman stated that because I always asked for their opinions and advice, they had the right to talk to me that way because of their opinions on the decisions my husband and I made.

A week later I received another text message from the man stating that I was irrational and manipulative and that he deserved more respect than me behaving that way. I can’t stop trying to figure this out: is this as ridiculous as it feels to me or does going to someone to talk about things give them the right to rip you off if they don’t like it what you do?

– Bad advice

Best advice: Advice is not the law. As an advice columnist, I don’t wear a bathrobe or a gavel. This was a sad surprise to me when I started this job because I love a good costume. But facts are facts. Your family members can express their feelings about your decisions, they can even gossip about you in private if they wish. But you are not obliged to them.

And asking for advice certainly doesn’t give anyone the right to insult, berate or belittle. (This is also a useful reminder for those writing replies to the advice column answers.)

You came to your family members in need of emotional support and guidance. Advice is a suggestion. It’s a sacrifice. It’s optional. The fact that they respond with decrees and tirades indicates that they are not really the right people to support you.

Hold your boundary with them and if they can’t respect it, block them. That’s just my suggestion.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)