Question for Eric: My stepparents cut me out of their will after my parents died

Dear Eric: My parents divorced when I was five and my brother was three. He went with our father and I went with our mother. We saw each other on holidays and summers. Both parents remarried and had two more children. There is a gap of seven to nine years or more in our time.

My brother and I were treated less like family and more like grudges. Fortunately, we had loving grandparents who showed us love and created safe places for us when we were with them.

Fast forward to today: we are both retired, have families, and have done well in every way. We have worked hard to build and maintain relationships with our parents and stepparents/siblings. I thought progress had been made.

Both parents died within a two-year period. Both stepparents rewrote their wills and wrote us out. I was surprised. Less for me, but for my children and their grandchildren.

I’m left with an angry residue of past resentments that have resurfaced. There is nothing from my parents that I want. This isn’t about money – there isn’t much, I know. I just don’t know how to proceed. Do I ghost them? Stop calling, writing and dropping by because it feels very one-sided? I put most of the work and effort into maintaining a relationship.

—Belittled stepchild

Dear Slighted: What petty people your stepparents seem to be. They can change their will in any way they want, but it’s telling that they didn’t make the big change until after your parents were gone. It doesn’t suit me. It feels numb and calculating. And so unnecessary.

Despite the machinations with their estates, you can still decide what you want from them. There’s a version of this where you decide these are people not worth knowing. They were brought into your life at a tender time, and they were not kind. It can be very liberating to say, “I deserve better than this; I’m leaving this relationship in the past.

You can also say, “I want to be in a relationship, and this feels one-sided.” What can we do to change that?” And look what they come up with. But I honestly don’t know if it’s worth it.

Finally, if you haven’t read Ann Patchett’s beautiful, perfect novel “Commonwealth,” you might want to pick it up. It’s about a blended family and some of the themes may resonate strongly with you in a way that feels cathartic.

Dear Eric: My sister-in-law, whom I love and have known since she was a child, recently purchased two small “doodle” dogs. She took them for a weekend visit.

They barked at every little noise: a person entering the room and the door opening/closing. My sister-in-law’s response to her dogs was ineffective.

The weekend with her dogs made me anxious and it was difficult for me to enjoy my visit.

It was even worse for me to tolerate because I have experience both professionally (with children) and personally (with dogs) in analyzing and adjusting behavioral problems. I can easily see what reinforced the dogs’ behavior.

My dilemma is, should I not allow her to bring her dogs for the next visit or should I have a visit where the dogs are dependent on my sister-in-law so I can teach her how to handle the dogs’ behavior? She doesn’t seem bothered by the relentless barking and yapping.

—Dog tired

Dear Moe: Although you have experience with children and dogs, it seems that the behavior you most want to change is that of your adult sister-in-law. That’s going to cause a problem.

It’s okay if you tell her that the dogs caused too much of a commotion last time and ask her to leave them for the next visit. This of course makes the visit less hospitable, because she has to find a suitable dog sitter. And maybe she’ll just choose to stay home. If you’re okay with that option and don’t blame her for it, fine.

It’s also okay for you to offer to teach her a better way to interact with her dogs. But make it a condition to spend time with you? I don’t see how that wouldn’t cause resentment.

You have a long, loving relationship. You can just tell her that the dogs get on your nerves and that you have some tips, if she’s open to it. The abundance of scratching behavior is not a reason to stoke a feud. Talk to her in a non-judgmental way. Offer help, but accept her “no thank you” if that is what her response is.

Communicating clearly, without trying to control her, will make planning the next get-together easier. And it allows her to consider your feelings as well as hers.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)