Question for Eric: Little, calculating stepparents cut us out of the will after our parents died

Dear Erik: My parents divorced when I was five and my brother was three. He went with our father and I went with our mother. We saw each other on holidays and summers. Both parents remarried and had two more children. There is a gap of seven to nine years or more in our time.

My brother and I were treated less like family and more like grudges. Fortunately, we had loving grandparents who showed us love and created safe places for us when we were with them.

Fast forward to today: we are both retired, have families, and have done well in every way. We have worked hard to build and maintain relationships with our parents and stepparents/siblings. I thought progress had been made.

Both parents died within a two-year period. Both stepparents redrew their wills and wrote us in them. I was surprised. Less for me, but for my children and their grandchildren.

I’m left with an angry residue of past resentments that have resurfaced. There is nothing from my parents that I want. This isn’t about money – there isn’t much, I know. I just don’t know how to proceed. Do I ghost them? Stop calling, writing and dropping by because it feels very one-sided? I put most of the work and effort into maintaining a relationship.

– Belittled stepchild

Dear slighted: What small people your stepparents seem to be. They can change their will in any way they want, but it’s telling that they didn’t make the big change until after your parents were gone. It doesn’t suit me. It feels numb and calculating. And so unnecessary.

Despite the machinations with their estates, you can still decide what you want from them. There’s a version of this where you decide these are people not worth knowing. They were brought into your life at a tender time, and they were not kind. It can be very liberating to say, “I deserve better than this; I’m leaving this relationship in the past.

You can also say, “I want to be in a relationship, and this feels one-sided.” What can we do to change that?” And look what they come up with. But I honestly don’t know if it’s worth it.

Finally, if you haven’t read Ann Patchett’s beautiful, perfect novel “Commonwealth,” you might want to pick it up. It’s about a blended family and some of the themes may resonate strongly with you in a way that feels cathartic.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.