Question for Eric: Lack of intimacy in rekindled relationship

Dear Erik: I am a 50 year old woman who has reconnected with a 41 year old man I dated years ago.

Before we moved in together, physical intimacy slowed down, from maybe once a week to every other week. He claims he was stressed about work and it had nothing to do with me.

We have been living together for over six months and now it takes almost a month for him to get “in the mood”. I cried and we argued about the lack of intimacy in our relationship. Each time he claims he is still attracted to me, but just not interested in sex anymore. He said he doesn’t have that urge. He’s afraid that if he tried to have sex, he wouldn’t be able to perform.

I’ve made it clear that sex and intimacy are very important to me, and I think he should seek help to find out if he has low testosterone or not. He claims he wants things to “work themselves out.” I love him and the home we share, but I refuse to live in a sexless relationship without affection. Am I selfish and unreasonable?

– Lost love

Best Lost: You can’t be faulted for being honest about your needs. Sex is not a requirement for a relationship. But communication is. Even though you talk about this, I don’t know if you are communicating effectively.

I don’t know what he means about things solving themselves. How? Why? When? It’s not his fault if he’s stuck and not sure how to solve this problem. But there is a difference between getting stuck and avoiding.

When our bodies or desires change, especially in ways we don’t want, the change can cause shame. And shame can create a whole web of behavior. If we don’t address the core, the web will become more complicated.

There are solutions: talking to a trained professional – together or solo; the test you mentioned; adjusting your sex life so that you explore intimacy in a way that doesn’t put pressure on him to perform.

Ask yourself what a loving relationship looks like – be creative. Physical connection is important, but challenge yourself to think beyond the physical. Then ask him the same thing. Tell him you are at a crossroads and ask him to be your partner in finding a way forward. Sex is part of intimacy, but the ability to be vulnerable is paramount. You can both practice vulnerability by working together to find new forms of intimacy. I hope he will take this step with you.