He wants to wait before having sex

Q. I’m 21 years old and I feel like I’ve experienced all types of relationships. I had a boyfriend from ages 15 to 19, then a few situationships, a bad boyfriend who I only dated for three months, and even a few one night stands.

But what is happening to my current boyfriend is not something I have ever experienced before. He wants to wait to do something physical. He’s very romantic, plans the best dates, texts me all the time, FaceTimes me for over three hours every night, and doesn’t worry when I talk to other women – which has been a big problem in my other years. relationships.

We met at work and were friends for months before I left. On my last day we had our first date. We have been seeing each other every weekend for about two months.

This is all perfect, but I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to have sex. I’ve tried to talk to him about it a few times, but he assures me that “everything is fine,” and he wants to make sure it’s at a pace I’m comfortable with. I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m comfortable doing something. I’m just confused. He’s had sex with another woman before, but I’ve had sex without knowing anyone’s last name.

Are both ways wrong? Am I wrong for wanting to have sex? How should I communicate this to him? Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?

GREEN EYES

A. Neither way is wrong – as long as everyone respects each other’s boundaries.

It’s okay to wait to have sex. It’s okay not to do that.

It is also acceptable to end a relationship because you do not share the values ​​with someone. If you can’t communicate well about sex, or if you have different opinions about the type of relationship you’re looking for, sometimes it’s best to say goodbye.

But let’s not go there yet.

My questions for you:

Is there chemistry? Nice kissing? Vibes in general? Do you want to have sex with him because it seems that way? Good?

Have you explained to him what sex means to you? I do wonder if he understands that sex is part of how you get to know someone (assuming that’s true for you). Sex can be many things, right? An act of love, a bit of fun, etc. But it is also a way to do that become emotionally intimate with someone, as opposed to a reward for already achieve emotional intimacy with someone.

I don’t know if you think that way. The point is, it would help to talk about what it means – and your expectations.

Try to remember that you are both learning what you like and what works. Patience can help. But when you get to a place where things aren’t going anywhere—where you’ve lost the excitement for the experience—you can leave. Even if he’s nice.

MEREDIT

READERS RESPOND:

This must be a conversation with him. It would be helpful for you to find out why he is waiting. He may be intimidated by your experience even though he has none (maybe the other woman doesn’t really exist). It could be anything.

SOLAR ALSORISES

Sex has more meaning to him than just physical release with whoever happens to be available. And he hesitates to enter into a relationship with someone who does not share this value.

ALL USER NAMES ARE TAKEN

Why does something have to be wrong? You’re just not compatible.

THE_BRIDE

You made me laugh because I didn’t know the last name… but kudos for getting the first name! As long as you use protection and feel comfortable with what you’re doing, there’s no “wrong” way to do sex and dating. You’ve come across a man who has his own slow pace, or perhaps he struggles with morals or sexuality. Set a time limit on how long you are willing to wait, and if things don’t move forward, end it. Sex is a healthy, normal part of a good relationship, so don’t hinder or suppress it.

LUPELOVE

Give it time and remember that consent goes both ways.

DRIED

Send your own relationship and dating questions to [email protected] or fill in this form. Watch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s ‘Love Letters’ podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted boston.com/loveletters.