A story about addiction, adoption and reconciliation

When my young friend Sebastian learned that he had lost his biological brother suicide– a brother he had never known – his life was temporarily turned upside down.

Shortly afterwards we talked about the many questions and concerns this news raised for him. Sebastian told a complex family story that includes many of the greatest losses, failures and failures traumas people can suffer.

Sebastian’s father died when he was only 6 years old. He says his mother wasn’t abusive, she was addiction the methamphetamine caused her to neglect her children, and she was unable to provide them with a safe home.

He remembers that he and his siblings fended for themselves most of the time with the meager groceries that were in the house. She left them unattended for long periods of time.

The adoption story

When his mother eventually gave up her parental rights, Sebastian was adopted by a loving, stable couple at age 8, after two years in the foster care system. It was a closed adoption. Due to his mother’s untreated drug problem, she was not allowed to have contact with Sebastian when he was a minor.

Sebastian blossomed in his adoptive family but retained a quiet sense of loss, self-doubt and abandonment, common among children given up by their biological parents. Many feel a desire to understand more about their origins.

The National Institutes of Health reports that the incidence of young children entering foster care because of their parents’ drug use more than doubled between 2000 and 2017, from 15 to 36 percent. This indicates that many children have experienced Sebastian’s situation and are now adults. with everything that happened and why.

Why couldn’t my mother choose me over drugs? How could she give up and let me go? Now Sebastian studies psychology and counseling and has a better understanding of the cruelties of addiction. He knows he wasn’t the problem.

The cruelties of addiction

Both of Sebastian’s biological parents struggled with addiction. His father was a Vietnam veteran whose addiction began with various substances provided to him during his service.

His mother, who was also adopted from a foster home as a child, became addicted at the age of nine. Although Sebastian believes his parents had a loving relationship, it’s no wonder they struggled to provide for the needs of their growing family.

Preparing to meet the family

When Sebastian received the phone call informing him that his brother had hanged himself, he was invited to join his remaining siblings and mother to mourn and bury their brother. Saying yes meant a chance to meet family members who were strangers to him and a mother he hadn’t seen in almost twenty years.

Before the suicide, the family consisted of 10 children. Two are half-siblings from another mother, six are from Sebastian’s parents (he is number eight), and the youngest two are his mother’s children from another father.

It was extremely shocking to hear that his brother took his life in such a horrible way, as suicide always is. He wondered what he would find when he showed up at his mother’s door.

Sebastian experienced many feelings about this abrupt new development in his peaceful and productive life. He is happily married, has a dog and a cat, has a bachelor’s degree, is currently doing graduate work, and serves as a worship pastor at a local church.

Sebastian and I began to process his feelings and fears. We discussed his plan to deal emotionally with the loss of a brother he never knew, reuniting with his mother and meeting unknown relatives.

To his credit, Sebastian approached this opportunity with his characteristic gentle acceptance and optimism. He imagined the moments when he saw his mother’s face and met his siblings. He was open and curious about their lives.

I affirmed his positive attitude and high expectations for the upcoming meeting, and gently cautioned him to have realistic expectations. Reunions can bring healing and understanding, but also crushing disappointment when expectations are set too high.

Then

Sebastian went back to church the next Sunday with one of his brothers. He and this young man seemed to have quickly developed a warm bond with each other. Sebastian openly shared his gratitude that family members he never knew as a child could potentially become friends as adults.

A few weeks passed before Sebastian and I could talk further about his experiences. He showed me photos taken at the family reunion, showing some of his siblings, an aunt and his mother.

Sebastian said that when his mother opened the door, they hugged, and he felt familiarity and warmth. This was a relief.

It was clear that years of meth use had damaged her physically and mentally. During the conversation, she admitted that she still uses, but it’s “just a little meth.” She remains significant denial about the level of destruction and damage her addiction has caused her and her family.

He discovered that the deceased brother had been a long-time low-level drug dealer, and another brother was still in the grip of drug addiction. But Sebastian was happy to see that other family members seemed to be doing well.

My warnings about realistic expectations turned out to be justified. Because Sebastian had prepared himself with prayer and… spiritual Thanks to the support of his predecessors and friends, he was able to enter into the meeting without having to control the outcome.

He had good control over his emotions, which allowed him to have a healing influence on the family. His emotional and spiritual maturity helped set the tone of understanding and reconciliation.

Sebastian said his biggest lessons from the experience focused on gratitude and resilience.

He is grateful to his adoptive mother and father, who did a great job raising him to be a strong and loving person. He is grateful that he has a strong faith in God.

Sebastian is grateful that despite the tragedy that brought them together, their reunion opened doors to new and vital relationships.

He acknowledges that his past has made him very resilient. The fact that his mother failed to take parental responsibility and essentially abandoned him still stings. But it’s a sting he can take, because no matter what happens from here, he has forgiven her and is free to live the life he chooses.

He prays that his mother will seek help and break free from the chains of addiction, but understands that this is beyond his control. He must continue to concentrate on his own fruitful life.

Sebastian hopes to continue the process of connecting with his biological family. He says his adoptive parents are not threatened by this. They are confident they have done him right and support his need to learn more about the other family he lost so long ago.

While managing expectations, Sebastian looks forward to carefully and healthily integrating these family members into his life so that some can play a role in the rest of his life story.