Question for Eric: Brother drives away family due to relationship drama

Dear Erik: My 35 year old brother “Jeff” lives in another state and has been in a relationship with his 25 year old girlfriend for five years. He has flown home to visit us several times over the years, but never brought her to meet us.

In the beginning of the relationship she was very abusive towards him. He once had her arrested and thrown in jail.

He has admitted that he does not love her or is no longer attracted to her, but he has continued his relationship with her. He clearly doesn’t give us any reason to support his relationship.

Our mother paid for an all-inclusive family trip for him, our (single) brother, my husband and myself. She didn’t invite his girlfriend because she’s never met us. “Jeff” was offended by this and therefore decided not to go on vacation.

He and I argued because he told me that our mother purposely didn’t invite the friend just to upset him, but I know that’s not true because our mother was very concerned about her decision and her approach to it.

So now our worst fears have come true. He doesn’t talk to any of us. He has completely isolated himself with the girlfriend thousands of miles away. I know he has no friends and therefore depends on her. I miss him and I worry so much about his well-being. I know he won’t welcome me with open arms because I don’t support his relationship, but how do I approach him to try to reconcile?

– Worried about baby Bro

Dear Concerned: The easiest path here may not be the best path. It seems likely that if you give in to his reality – his girlfriend is ‘part of the family’; the past problems do not exist – he will reconcile. But that doesn’t help anyone.

Jeff has been very clear about the problems he has with his relationship (some of which are of his own making), and he has made no attempt to join the two houses. The girlfriend is a stranger with a pattern of abuse. Why would you involve her?

His isolation could also be part of the abuse. To start rebuilding your bridge, you need to focus on the relationship you have with Jeff as siblings. Tell him you missed him and what you appreciate about him. Tell him you’d like to be in each other’s lives again.

See if you can keep this conversation from focusing on a single topic. The big ideas are that you love him, you care about him, and you miss him. From there, you can gradually start asking probing questions about how he’s feeling and how he can get the help he needs to put this behind him.