Do narcissists have empathy? | Psychology today

Remark: In this post I use the terms narcissist, narcissisticAnd NPD as an abbreviation for someone who qualifies for the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

One of the most shocking moments in a relationship with someone with an untreated narcissist personality When you have a disorder (NPD), you realize that your partner doesn’t really care if you are in pain or injured. This is very difficult for most people to understand. How can someone who claims to love me be so indifferent to my feelings that he or she is willing to devalue me, ignore my needs, and deliberately abuse me?

Narcissists have no emotional empathy

One of the main reasons people with NPD are willing to hurt other people to get what they want is because they lack emotional empathy for other people. It may seem like they care, but that’s usually an act.

Emotional empathy versus cognitive empathy

There are two different types of empathy that most people have: emotional empathy and cognitive empathy. People with untreated NPD typically have cognitive empathy, but little or no emotional empathy.

What is emotional empathy?

Emotional empathy is the ability to automatically (without conscious effort) feel something about what another person is feeling.

Example: You see someone accidentally hit their thumb with a hammer and you automatically wince with sympathy. Or your child is very happy that he has been chosen for the football team and your heart fills with joy.

What is cognitive empathy?

Cognitive empathy involves thinking. It’s not an automatic answer. It’s a bit like acting. You know the situation is about a empathetic reaction, but you don’t feel anything. You think about how to convey the appearance of the right amount of empathy.

Example: Your best friend’s father died. You never really liked him. You’re actually a little annoyed that he’s dying because going to the funeral will be an ordeal. But you keep your true feelings to yourself and say something that you think expresses the required empathy, such as, “I’m so sorry your father died.” I know you will miss him immensely. We will all miss him.’

Can narcissists develop emotional empathy?

I have experienced clients with NPD who began to develop emotional empathy during a successful relationship therapy. My clients all followed a very predictable and similar path.

Certain conditions had to be met before my clients could experience their first emotional empathy for another human being:

1. They invested heavily in their therapy and made good progress.
2. The person for whom they felt emotional empathy was harmless to them and below them in status.
3. This innocent person looked up to them and confided in them.
4. The situation they had confided in was very distressing and very similar to the situation my narcissistic client had experienced.

Example: Bill and his brother Benny

My client Bill had an older brother Benny who liked to torment him. Their father had died and their mother had to go to work when Bill was in kindergarten. Benny was five years older and had to take Bill home from school and care for him until their mother came home.

What really happened is that Benny hated being responsible for his little brother. At first he just teased him, but eventually he started hitting him around. Benny told Bill that if he ever told anyone what was going on, he would hurt him worse and break his favorite toy.

By the time Bill was in high school, he started fighting back. He survived some epic battles with his brother and became a strong, tough guy.

Now Bill is an adult and heads a division of a company. He is an exhibitionist narcissist and can be extremely confrontational. He has difficulty managing his fury.

Bill came to therapy with me because his wife and children were afraid of his tantrums and his wife had threatened to leave him unless he changed. After his only and violent youthHe loved having a real family and was willing to do anything to keep his family intact. He had no interest in other women.

Bill came to his session excited and looking very pleased with himself. He told the following story:

I think maybe for the first time I felt real emotional empathy. There’s a young man at work who I hired and mentored a bit. He looks up at me. One day he started talking to me about how he hated his older brother. They hadn’t spoken to each other in years. I asked why, and he told me that his brother used to beat him up regularly as a child. He always hid from him. I felt really bad for him! The situation was almost like mine.

Empathy and animals

Some of my narcissistic clients were able to become emotionally attached to their clients pets and treated them very well. However, many of my narcissistic clients treated their animals exactly as they treated people: they gave them treats when their pets pleased them and abused them when they disobeyed. This seemed to be especially true if their pets were dogs.

When I applied the above criteria for when someone with NPD might show emotional empathy, I found that similar circumstances applied to animals. They were more likely to develop emotional empathy for pets who were

1. No threat to the narcissist
2. Obey
3. Submissive
4. Beloved
5. Attentive

Summary

People with untreated NPD lack emotional empathy. The usual reason is that emotional empathy was not valued in their childhood and they were never encouraged to develop it. The smarter narcissists develop decent social skills and get along in the world by using their cognitive empathy. Some of my clients with a narcissistic personality begin to develop emotional empathy during the course of their therapy. It happens extremely gradually and only under very specific circumstances.

To find a therapist, go to the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.