Question for Eric: Son’s former classmate continues to contact me

On November 10, 2024By Pranco

Dear Eric: A former classmate of my son is still in touch with me. She and my son haven’t been in touch for over a decade, but she continues to call and invites me to both of her daughters’ birthday parties.

I’m not sure why she wants to keep in touch. Both she and my son are married to other people, and I had hoped she would develop new friendships. I really don’t want to encourage her, and I don’t think she has many friends. Even though I don’t go out of my way to attend the events, I don’t think she has any idea that I’m not interested in keeping in touch.

I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and I hope she moves on soon. Any advice?

– Former friend

Best friend: I’m so curious about how this friendship started. Were you ever close or did she just start reaching out and taking advantage of your politeness? Why is she even calling the parent of a former classmate?

If she has no idea that you don’t want to keep in touch, then unfortunately you have to give her an idea. You can redefine your relationship in a gentle way, but no matter how gently you do it, she may still have hurt feelings. Nevertheless, if it weighs heavily on you, you have to keep going. There is nothing unkind about making it clear what you can and cannot do.

Something short and sweet will work: “I appreciate the invitation, but I won’t be available to come to the parties in the future.” Or even more directly: “It’s been a long time since high school. Let’s go our own way. I wish you all the best.”

Dear Eric: My husband has an old friend who makes plans with him/us for trips, weekends, and even vacations, then cancels a few days before the event. This is actually one of my biggest pet peeves and it really irritates me.

If you say you are going to do something, you should do it, unless there is an emergency. I see that my husband is disappointed every time and he hesitates to ask this friend to go on excursions just to avoid having to change his plans again because of this friend’s unreliability.

I can’t say anything to this person; it’s my husband’s friend and I’d rather stay out of that dynamic. But perhaps the next time he actually appears, I can leave a hard copy of this letter with your suggestions on the table.

– Tired of canceled plans

Best Canceled Plans: One of the benefits of friendship is that we can see ourselves from the point of view of someone who knows all our tics and trips and still accepts us. So your husband should say – seriously or jovially, whichever feels more comfortable – that he would invite the friend to more things, but he can’t risk being canceled. Even a semi-serious “is this a real ‘yes’ or a ‘yes’ that’s going to turn into a ‘no’?” can help broach the subject.

Your husband’s friend should respect his time and the effort your husband puts into making social plans. The friend may not realize this, but by canceling so much, he is telling the guy that their friendship is not that valuable to him. That’s certainly not what he means. But actions speak louder than RSVPs.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)