I’ve dated Tech Bros in SF and NYC. There is one clear winner.

• Chloe Diaz shares her dating experiences with tech bros in San Francisco and NYC.
• The tech bros from San Francisco paid no attention to each other and were more homogeneous towards each other.
• New York City’s tech bros are more diverse and thoughtful, but dating remains complex.

This as told-to essay is based on a conversation with Chloe Diaza 27 year old working in legal technology based in New York City. It has been edited for length and clarity.

I lived in San Francisco the summer after my first year of law school for an internship in technical law. Shortly after graduating from Arizona State University Law School in 2022, I moved to New York Citywhere I currently work as a marketing manager in legal tech.

I have dated tech bros in San Francisco and New York City and have discovered that each city attracts completely different types of men. Neither type is without faults, except mine dating experiences these cities ultimately influenced where I decided to live.

I thought the San Francisco tech brethren weren’t paying attention

As an introvert, I prefer meeting people through dating apps because it allows me to get to know someone before I meet them. This worked well in San Francisco because it never felt like the kind of place where someone would strike up a conversation with me in public.

I had at least two dates a week for an estimated 20 to 24 dates during my summer in SF. I didn’t plan on dating tech bros, it just so happened that every guy I dated in San Francisco was. To be honest, I found it difficult to escape the situation Silicon Valley’s technology bubble.

The recurring pattern I noticed among the tech bros I dated was a general lack of attention to me. On several occasions the guy chose a date based on his interest, without taking a moment to find out what I like.

This one guy I matched with on Bumble invited me to an arcade bar. I told him I didn’t drink but thought the location would be good because I could still play a few games. He showed up about 30 minutes late because he was held up at a work meeting and then bought us two vodka shots.

The types of men I dated in San Francisco discouraged me from moving back

Then he started talking about his machine learning job at one Large technology company and monopolized the conversation without stopping to ask about myself, or at least what I thought about what he said. It’s funny because if he had stopped and asked me a question, he would have learned that my emphasis in law school was science and technology, specifically AI. All the concepts he explained were things I understood quite well.

At the end of our very one-sided conversation, where I felt it was clear that I was disinterested, he tried to make a move on me. I told him I wasn’t feeling it and decided to go home. He was so upset that he subsequently blocked me on all social media platforms, including Spotify.

This wasn’t even one of the worst dates I’ve had in San Francisco, but it represents the lack of attention and awareness I felt during many of my dates. Mine not so great dating experiences contributed to my decision not to move back to San Francisco after law school.

Technology bubbles exist in San Francisco and New York

Most of the San Francisco tech bros I met were dressed in their Patagonia vests and work uniforms such as copying and pasting each other. Even in terms of lived experiences and socio-economic status, I felt like I was in a bubble of middle-to-upper class tech workers who weren’t exposed to people who had endured different struggles.

When I moved to New YorkI realized that technology bubbles existed here too, but because it is such a diverse metropolitan hub you are forced to face the reality that people have different backgrounds, experiences and problems than you.

I think awareness promotes a sense of empathy and understanding for others, a quality I appreciate in others.

New York also promotes individuality and self-expression, which I noticed even among tech bros. I’d go on dates with tech bros wearing Mason Margiela or some cool designer and think to myself, damn, this guy is more drained than me.

They’re still tech bros at heart, but I feel like those drawn to New York City aren’t as homogenous.

Dating in New York City is a double-edged sword

View of New York City vibrant and social characterI feel like it attracts people with a strong social drive and consciousness. I think this is why I’ve noticed that the men I’ve dated here, some of whom have been tech brothers, are more attentive and thoughtful when planning dates.

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Honestly, I haven’t had any really bad dates in New York because the guys took the time to find a shared interest and plan a date around that.

This one techie noticed that I was running a food blog and planning some fun dates around interesting culinary experiences. On our first date we went to a new restaurant, and on our next date he cooked me a dish that I had never tried before.

He was socially skilled and… emotionally intelligentwhich are great qualities, but ultimately I felt like he was using them to emotionally manipulate me and push my physical and emotional limits. I ended our relationship.

Dating here is a double-edged sword, but I would rather date in New York than San Francisco any day.

My biggest takeaway is to be honest about what I want

Although very different, my dating experiences in San Francisco and New York has taught me the importance of being firm in my expectations and boundaries. Whether that’s telling my date that meeting at a bar isn’t right for me, or standing strong within my boundaries when I feel emotionally manipulated.

I’m going to continue dating in New York City, and I don’t think I ever will back to San Francisco.

If you are dating while working in Big Tech or Finance and would like to share your story, email Tess Martinelli at [email protected]