Adoption empowers women to choose hope and future for her baby

When Dominique White went to a Texas Planned Parenthood after discovering she was pregnant at age 17, a staff member told her she had two options: abort her child or raise him herself.

Believing that these were her only choices, she decided, with the encouragement of her family, to raise her eldest son as a single parent.

Several years later, White found herself with another unintended pregnancy, but discovered she had a third option: private adoption, which was not an “unwanted last resort” but a way that gave her the power to give her son a good future.

Since she chose to openly adopt her biological son from her second unplanned pregnancy in 2016, White has been in regular contact with his adoptive family, and he and his older half-brother share a close relationship, said White, now 29, who lives in the area of Austin, Texas.

During both of her unintended pregnancies, abortion initially seemed like the obvious choice, White said.

“It almost felt like that was what we were taught, and I can’t tell you where I was taught that,” she said. “It seemed like that was the norm, like I’m young and pregnant so I should have an abortion.”

When she was pregnant for the first time, White’s mother was not opposed to her having an abortion, revealing that she herself had had several before White was born.

But White’s twin sisters were strongly opposed to aborting the baby and told her they would help her raise him. The sisters and some of her friends helped her care for the baby, now 11, as she graduated high school.

“If You’ve Ever Seen (the 1987 Movie) Three men and a baby“It was like this,” she said, “three girls and a baby and ‘we’ll figure it out.’

A few years later, one of White’s sisters invited her to a young adult prayer meeting at a large, nondenominational church in Dallas; during the prayer meeting she connected with a leader with whom she kept in touch.

Although White and her sisters were baptized Catholic and sometimes attended a Catholic church in Boston before the family moved to the Dallas area at age 8, she experienced a spiritual awakening in the Dallas church.

After spring break in 2016, White suspected she might be pregnant and requested a pregnancy test at an abortion center. Her suspicions were confirmed and she scheduled an abortion. She remembered crying in her car at a red light on the way home. “I felt like I just didn’t have anyone to turn to.”

She was too ashamed to tell her family about another unintended pregnancy and tried to hide it. White texted the leader of her church’s young adult ministry but did not contact her. She argued with her boyfriend about the paternity of the baby and postponed the abortion because she could not pay for it.

White said she didn’t want to be pregnant and instead wanted to keep partying. A few months later, she contacted the ministry leader again and told her the whole story. The leader told White about a woman she knew who was unable to have children after an abortion and who was interested in adopting her child.

“That was very shocking to me,” White said. “I thought, ‘Absolutely not; that’s crazy. I’m not a bad mother. Why would you think that? I don’t do drugs or anything. I just don’t want to be pregnant.’ I am different from the women I categorized in my mind, or the stigma around it.”

Feeling judged, White returned to the abortion world when she was about eight weeks pregnant. “I just couldn’t do it,” she said. “It did something in me,” said White, who began to wonder what actually happened during an abortion procedure.

The videos she watched about abortion procedures sparked fear and anxiety about possible trauma and infertility, which solidified her decision not to have one.

But raising two children alone didn’t seem like the right option either. White said she feared she would be judged for raising two children as a single parent and never graduate from college or have a career.

“I think single parenting also looks really bad in our society,” White said. “If you are a single parent, a mother with one child and the father is nowhere to be found, shame on you.”

Still unsure of what to do, White continued to confide in her ministry friend, who told her that God was offering her salvation. The friend also encouraged her to consider adoption and shared more about the woman and her family who wanted to adopt her baby.

White decided to do more research, this time into private adoption. She discovered that her perception of adoption was incorrect.

“My concept of adoption was foster care,” she said. ‘I didn’t know adoption agencies existed or that you could choose a family. I had no idea… so I thought it meant you were a bad mother.”

White studied the profiles of adoptive couples she found on adoption agency websites and also met the couple her friend in the ministry told her about.

“I got to know them and all their messiness and how God restored their lives, and it just felt very refreshing,” White said of the couple, then in their early 30s, who attended the same church. ‘I didn’t get the feeling that they were perfectly chosen people who were considered by the government to be better parents than me. They were just like me, broken.”

White decided to place the baby with the couple and they made an agreement through an adoption agency.

White’s oldest son knew about her pregnancy, but when the baby didn’t come home from the hospital, he was confused, she said. Although her post-placement therapy was part of the adoption agreement, she said she feels the adoption agency did not adequately reimburse her for it, nor did the agency offer any reimbursement for the therapy her son needed.

It also failed to fully explain to White the difference between open and closed adoption, she said. For over a month after birth, she chose not to have contact with the baby or the adoptive parents until the couple convinced her to reach out.

Since then, White says she and her oldest son have been in regular contact with her biological son, who turns eight later this month, and his adoptive family.

Three years after the adoption, the Dallas church community that White and the adoptive family were part of continued to care for her and her son, including providing a place to live and a car, she said.

White married in February; and although she and her family now live in Austin, Texas – 200 miles away from her biological son and his adoptive family – they work to maintain their relationships and keep the boys in touch.

“They love every second together,” White said. “They really miss each other when they’re apart.”

Looking back, White said her unintended pregnancies were crises that sometimes resembled “doomsday,” she said.

All options were challenging, but her decision to place her biological son for adoption was life-giving for him, his adoptive family and her own family, White said.

“You don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, and then you find out you can actually choose a family and … it becomes hopeful,” she said. “There’s a little bit of light shining through the cracks of this broken glass, and you start to see the hope that maybe there’s something on the other side of this.”

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Birth parents have significant control over the adoption process.

Private adoption is considered by many to be complex and time-consuming – and for adoptive parents the vetting process, mainly to protect children, is rigorous, said Terri Marcroft, founder of Unplanned gooda San Jose, California-based nonprofit organization that primarily promotes private adoption.

But for birth parents, the process is fairly simple and gives them a lot of control, adoption experts say.

Many of the steps below appear in a video for women considering adoption, produced by BraveLove, a Dallas-based nonprofit that challenges adoption stigmas and supports birth mothers.

1. Talk to an adoption professional, at an adoption agency or law firm. The lawyers consulted must have adoption experience.

2. Develop a plan with the agency or attorney that takes into account: the type of family preferred, how to choose one; the preferred level of contact with the child and the adoptive family; the role of the baby’s father and his legal rights; what the paperwork and legal terms mean; preferences for childbirth/hospital stay; and dealing with grief and moving on after adoption.

3. Choose an adoptive family from the profiles of an agency or attorney.

4. If possible, talk to another birth mother who has placed a child for adoption.

5. After birth, a handover ceremony involving clergy, prayers, etc., present at the handover of the child to the adoptive parents can help with the transition.

6. Prepare to sign the adoption papers, understanding that making the legal decision permanent will likely be emotional.

7. Provide post-adoption support, through therapy (costs must be included in the agreement), or by connecting with other birth mothers.