My daughter rarely bathes and her room smells, but she says she doesn't care

My A 15 year old girl has no sense of personal hygiene. She currently has a dozen used sanitary napkins fell on the ground, with food packaging and trash. I have to pester her to go swimming. She wears panties several days in a row. I walked into his room and the stench made my stomach turn. She is looking at her tablet, oblivious to her disgust and foul smell.

She’s not depressed. She is perfectly sociable at school and at home. I can’t understand how she’s so happy to be so disgusting. I’m ashamed, especially considering how many times I talked nice to her, harassed her, and/or yelled at her. She is content to live in poverty. She tells me she doesn’t care.

Please advise. I am embarrassed.

So, first a few questions. When did this start? Are you sure your daughter isn’t depressed? This could be a classic case of calling for help without asking for it. I’m amazed daily by the pressures placed on young people these days, so I’d make sure she doesn’t struggle.

I went to see Nicola McCarry, a UKCP registered family psychotherapist, who asked me what is your daughter like when friends come to see you? Does she clean her room when they do? Peer pressure and the desire to look good in front of your friends are strong at this age. If your daughter cleans for friends, it’s a good sign that she understands the standards of cleanliness: “If she doesn’t clean, then that’s more worrying,” because it could mean your daughter doesn’t don’t care. about things in a much broader sense than just his room.

Assuming your daughter isn’t depressed, McCarry wondered if the messy room wasn’t being used to express something else: “Given that you say she’s healthy and sociable, I wonder if that might being a chosen arena in teenage rebellion, a deliberate provocation in an area that she believes matters to you.

You don’t mention a partner or support. You don’t mention anything else about your daughter or what she’s like in the rest of the house, so I wonder what else is going on for the two of you.

I think you need to move away from your daughter’s room. When you are both calm, I would set some parameters such as “what you do in your bedroom (to the extent that you agree) is up to you.” But then you really need to respect your other half and not scold her about her room or even enter it. My children’s rooms belong to them. I don’t intervene unless they ask me to and I knock before entering. We all need spaces in which to be ourselves.

Are there any rules such as clothes will be cleaned if you put them in the laundry basket etc but otherwise could you stay out of his room? Are you able to untie your mother from her room?

“I know it’s really hard,” McCarry said, “when your child doesn’t follow the standards you raised them with, remember that it’s not a personal failure, although it may be. look like.”

McCarry suggested “trying to step away from the battle and view it as a victory or a defeat.” Don’t lose your relationship with your daughter because of this.

She advises trying to increase positive interactions so you have reserves to draw on when difficult conversations need to happen: “Try to take the emotion out of it. » What fun do you two do? How did you connect when she was younger?

“Try telling your daughter that you’d like to talk to her about changing the way you communicate,” McCarry suggests, “and acknowledge that you haven’t been able to strike the right tone.” Some will think this is complacency, but if you value your relationship with your daughter – and you must do what you’ve written – then it’s a hill worth climbing. Communication is everything. If your daughter knows she can talk to you and you can stay calm and ready to listen, the chances of her coming to you are increased.

You might be surprised at the results. And you don’t need to open these channels by talking about cleanliness. I would recommend more general and less passionate topics first. Make them feel safe and not defensive – it is from this position that we feel able to open up.

For advice on teenage issues and parental support, visit familylives.org.uk.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal issue sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your issue to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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