Ask Amy: Questions about a gay son and quiet wedding plans

Dear readers: Today I hope you enjoy a replay of two of the most infuriating questions I’ve ever posted (lightly edited for space).

may 2013

Dear Amy: I recently discovered that my 17 year old son is gay. We are part of a religious group and I fear that if the members of this group find out, they will make fun of me for having a gay child.

He won’t listen to reason and he won’t stop being gay. I feel like he’s just doing this to get back at me for forgetting his birthday for the last three years – I have a busy work schedule.

Please help him make the right choice in life by not being gay. He won’t listen to me, so maybe he’ll listen to you.

– Feeling betrayed

Dear betrayed: You could teach your son an important lesson by changing your own sexuality to show him how easy it is. Try it for a year or so: stop being heterosexual to demonstrate to your son that a person’s sexuality is a matter of choice – one that is dictated by his parents, his parents’ church, and social pressure.

I suspect my suggestion will elicit a reaction that your sexuality is central to who you are. It’s the same for your son. He has the right to be accepted by his parents for being exactly who he is.

Pressuring your son to change his sexuality is wrong. If you can’t accept him as he is, it might be safer for him to live elsewhere.

Pflag.org is a group that might help you and your family figure out how to navigate this. This organization was founded for parents, families, friends and allies of LGBT people and has helped countless families overcome this ordeal. Please do some research and contact a local chapter.

Dear Amy: My fiancé and I are planning our wedding. As a bride, I plan to make certain requests of my guests, to ensure that my special day is as perfect as possible. For example, I ask my guests to wear exclusively yellow during the ceremony.

My fiancé was supportive, but he angrily rejected my other request: that our guests remain quiet throughout the ceremony and reception (to ensure the attention remains on us). My fiancé said it was irrational.

I know it’s rare. I’ve never heard of anyone else having a silent wedding, but we have had them in my family. Guests are not allowed to speak during the ceremony and the only toasts allowed are from the mothers of the bride and groom.

At the reception, guests can whisper, but cannot speak out loud. As a newly married couple, we need to focus solely on each other rather than the rowdy guests.

I know it’s a lot to ask, but I think I should have the marriage I want, so that the start of our life together is perfect. I want him to support me, even if we don’t agree on something.

Is my fiancé’s lack of support a red flag?

– Silence is golden

Silence: Congratulations! You’re on your way to legendary Bridezilla status. Yes, many flags are flying over this unusual affair (and they are yellow, of course).

I hope your fiancé is paying attention, because if you’re this self-centered now, I can only imagine what the dynamic will be like later, such as if you choose to have children.

Somewhere you seem to have gotten the idea that a wedding is reserved for the bride alone, to serve her whims and fancies. No. Public weddings are family events and should celebrate the union of two families.

It’s not your fiancé’s job to support you, no matter how stupid your ideas are. That’s not how marriage works.

Let’s start with your request that all guests wear yellow. I have yet to see a yellow outfit for men that doesn’t look like a giant banana.

Typically, guests do not speak at wedding ceremonies unless they are asked to read aloud. But a silent welcome? Aside from some of the traditions associated with a Quaker wedding (which yours obviously isn’t), the idea of ​​a silent reception pairs well with your color palette: mostly bananas.

If you don’t want rowdy guests, limit (or don’t serve) alcohol. If you want the attention to be solely and exclusively on you, then get married in a small room, standing in front of a mirror.

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