Shell Shocked: An Ode to Irritability | News, Sports, Jobs – SANIBEL-CAPTIVA

PHOTO COURTESY OF Art Stevens

I think flowers are overrated. Yes, they are colorful and nice to look at. But think about how much work they take. As a city dweller, I rarely saw a flower garden, let alone grew one. My world was street games. I never got stung by a bee playing stickball.

I think protein is overrated. Nutritionists keep telling us that adequate protein intake leads to higher energy levels and lean body fat. Nonsense. (When was the last time you heard that word?) Nonsense (and this word too?). I eat a lot of foods that contain protein. I also used to make protein shakes. The only benefit I got from all that protein was the ability to do an extra pump. That’s it. I went back to eating lots of fats and carbs and my life improved.

I think education is overrated. There are so many textbooks to read, assignments to write, homework to do, and apples to pick to become the teachers’ pet. I think we should ditch formal education and focus on street smarts. Street smarts are all you need to succeed in the modern world. A college degree? Four wasted years. What did a college degree give you that street smarts didn’t? I learned more from one of Doc Ford’s bartenders than I did from my college sociology class.

Wedding anniversaries are overrated. After a few years, most people I know would rather forget they were married. What anniversary gifts can you still think of that your spouse doesn’t already have? Unless it’s a diamond tennis racket, an aircraft carrier, a horse of a different color, or a velvet toaster. I stopped giving my wife anniversary gifts when the number of roses I had given her over the years reached a thousand. Personally, I manage to disappear for the entire day of my wedding anniversary. I used to tell my wife I was going hunting. She never asked me why.

American football games are overrated. Run or pass. Run or pass. Boring. There is no novelty in this game anymore. Watching frog jumping contests is much more exciting. How many chips, pretzels, and beer can you consume while watching four NFL games every Sunday? The NFL has perfected the art of binding men and subordinating women. And it has succeeded in increasing men’s waistlines beyond social acceptability. Bring back the lions and gladiators.

Roller coasters are overrated. I’d rather jump out of a plane without a parachute. I don’t like screaming at the top of my lungs as the roller coaster plummets toward the earth, defying gravity. I prefer to save my screaming for more legitimate and timely reasons, like stubbing my toe.

Christmas is overrated. Christmas is an excuse to sing Christmas carols, buy useless gifts, and be nice to people. Everyone also prays for a white Christmas. My friends, there is no snow on Sanibel and there never will be. Stay home in Montana if you dream of a white Christmas. And save your singing for a bar that has karaoke. Don’t stand outside my window entertaining me with “Silent night.” If you do, the garden hose I’m about to point at you will suspend any belief you might have in a silent night.

Sanibel is an overrated town. Birds, geckos, alligators, blackened fish, seashells. You can find it all in zoos, botanical gardens, the Discovery Channel, and Times Square. Sanibel’s only redeeming virtue is that there are no traffic lights. Yes, there is no history of traffic tickets for running a red light in Sanibel.

Bob Dylan is overrated. I haven’t been able to understand a word he sings for years. Is he doing it on purpose? Do you need a booklet to understand the words of this great man? I attended one of his recent concerts at the Barbara Mann last winter and heard guttural sounds coming out of his mouth. At first I thought there was a problem with the sound system, but when I noticed audience members trying to adjust their hearing aids, I knew I wasn’t alone.

Exercise is overrated. Instead of lifting weights, I’d rather lift a martini. Instead of running on a treadmill, I’d rather walk a plank. Instead of stretching, I’d rather lose weight. Who needs bulging biceps and a 32-inch waist? Why do some people consider that a badge of honor? As long as I can carry a barrel and take out the trash, I’ll stay home and sit on the couch.

There you go, it’s all out of my system now.

Art Stevens is a longtime columnist for the Sanibel-Captiva Islander. His dry humor is always accompanied by a smile.