Think of our pets this 4th of July

We need to talk about your birthday party, America.

July 4th, as a holiday, is a good day. It’s nice to have a day off that, for some reason, is too sacred to be “observed” on a Monday, unless it falls on a Saturday or Sunday.

It’s nice to have the midsummer holidays back. There’s a lot to celebrate about the day some people signed a piece of paper a long time ago that said a bunch of things applied to some people and not others, which is not the point of this column.

I also like to cook on the grill. I’m not a monster.

That being said, I think that at 248 years old, it’s high time America stopped throwing the same party every year. I basically have a three-part argument for this, most of which will probably appeal enough to an audience in Forest Park, River Forest, and Oak Park, so don’t worry about reading any further.

Part 1: I’m not sure what to think about celebrating anything by giving the sensory impression that we’re experiencing intense enemy fireworks. The glowing fire of rockets, bombs exploding in mid-air, and all that other antiquated crap is a lot less funny when a firework goes off while you’re standing on a train platform and everyone’s wondering, “Is that it? Is it time to take cover? Is that a kid with a black cat? If you heard the gunshot, it didn’t hit you, did it?”

I don’t leave much room here for things that are obviously too big to be small arms fire, although I’m willing to accept the argument that we haven’t yet entered the car bomb and suicide vest phase of civilization’s decline. I don’t know if we skipped that unit in national school or if we just like loud noises and the smell of cordite, but I have to tell you, I can think of better ways to celebrate than pretending we’re actually being fired upon.

Part 2: The risk of getting hurt by fireworks seems to take some of the excitement and joy out of the event. Between all the explosions around the Fourth of July, there are a lot of sirens and crowded emergency rooms. Why we didn’t take Jason Pierre-Paul, the New York giant who tore off a good chunk of his hand a few years ago, and make him a national spokesperson for the Why Would You Do That to Yourself campaign, I have no idea. You can’t buy a pack of cigarettes without someone making you sick, but you can blow up a box of dynamite in your backyard and declare that you’re celebrating America? Come on. Why not just shoot our automatic weapons into the air and gloat? It’s not that different.

Part 3: Okay, I’ll admit that this is the part that drives me the craziest. I had to pad out the rest of the column with parts 1 and 2 because I write about dogs quite often, but fireworks are inhumane. A decent country should not celebrate its birthday with lavish and prolonged acts of animal cruelty.

The amount of tranquilizers I had to administer to my friend Leia just to make it through the Fourth of July weekend with a modicum of sanity—even by Staffy standards—is a dose that should give anyone pause. Hunter Thompson wouldn’t take that much medication in two weeks in Vegas.

The amount of misery we inflict on beloved friends who have no idea 1) what’s going on, 2) what America is, and 3) why we celebrate their birthday by being mean to them is beyond my ability to even describe metaphorically. I understand that our country gives thanks every year for all the blessings bestowed upon us by engaging in the largest ritual slaughter of animals in the history of the world (a slaughter I eagerly and avidly participate in, mind you, this is not some kind of PETA pamphlet), but doing something completely optional that makes dogs more than just miserable is something I find increasingly unconscionable.

We’re hurting dogs, man! I shouldn’t have to drag my shivering best friend out from under the bed with cookies after a holiday weekend so we can go to the park. That’s not okay, there’s no other way to put it.

I don’t want to be snappy at people who go out of their way to justify their lack of safety or common sense. Those weaknesses are their business. But I want to go to them with video footage of cowering pets and say, “I just want you to know what your ‘harmless fun’ is doing to my friend.”