NHL Caught Nikki Smokes Selling Illegal Products On The Streets Of Florida And Now Wants To Arrest Her (My Interpretation)

NHL Letter

Our investigators have confirmed that, despite our correspondence, your client continued to market and sell – and did market and sell – counterfeit “Florida Champions Tee” T-shirts, which prominently display the Florida Panthers’ “Palm Tree & Stick” logo (U.S. Registration Number 1883140) (see Exhibit A, showing a sample acquired by the NHL). These sales occurred between June 28 and June 30 at various locations in the Fort Lauderdale area, including

Florida Panthers fans before and during the Florida Panthers Championship Parade on June 30. Your client also bragged online and on social media about its marketing, distribution, and sales of the t-shirts, as evidenced by the screenshots below:

I know the attempted assassination of the President has been all over the news this weekend and rightfully so. But there is another major story that has been flying under the radar. No, I’m not talking about Nate winning the World Series of Poker by finishing 717th. I’m talking about the highly coordinated sting operation the NHL conducted on the Nikki Smokes counterfeit drug scam. Yes, while we were all enjoying our 4th of July weekend, the NHL sent their top agents to Fort Lauderdale to catch Nikki Smokes selling illegal products and catch her red-handed. Just photo after photo of Nikki selling the products to these undercover narcotics agents.

NHL TESTIMONIALS

Now, suddenly, it all makes sense: how did Nikki sell the 1000 t-shirts I sent him? (Yes, it was 1000, not 5000). It’s because he was selling them to the feds (I mean the NHL) who couldn’t buy them fast enough to build their case against him.

Regardless, as the head of this company, I take responsibility for Nikki’s despicable actions. And I want to promise the NHL that Barstool wasn’t trying to get rich off of a slow person selling t-shirts on the streets of Florida. I was trying to prove something to Nikki about work ethic. So here’s what I’m going to do. My accounting team tells me that we made a total profit of $9,830.00 from this entire enterprise.

(Yes, Welker was charging me $17 per shirt! They don’t call him the WOAT for a reason. He’s probably richer than me at this point, just from coaching the men’s national soccer team, laughing all the way to the bank and not a care in the world)

Regardless, in exchange for clemency for Nikki’s life and as a gesture of good faith, I have donated $50,000 to the NHL’s Hockey Fights Cancer charity. I hope this will help put this terrible ordeal behind us and allow us to move forward peacefully and collectively as a country.