The reality of the delusional being

I won’t be wrong in saying that I have struggled with mental health issues all my life. It’s high time I accept this fact, otherwise this illness will not only jeopardize my future days but will also put a damper on all my goals and ambitions. So, what about today? I am crying out for help? I am begging you, from the depths of my deepest dilemmas, to tell me that you have all faced this in one way or another. I don’t know what it is or how it will help me here.

I know a few things:

I have terrible delusional thoughts.

There is a part of me that has never resonated with others.

Before talking about my (ongoing) journey, let me explain these two segments in detail.

Delusional thoughts

Haha! I think you’re not here. You’re not reading this. No one is reading this. I’m just sitting here in my room, writing this and reading on your behalf. You don’t exist. You never existed until I thought of you. My thoughts and presence are what make you stronger and in some cases REAL.

How long have I been having these thoughts? For as long as I can remember. Why do I have these thoughts? I don’t know – they come and go and stay with me when I feel nauseous, lonely, depressed or when I feel real emotions. The good news is that over the years, I’ve started to realize how wrong these delusional thoughts are! And I’ve done my best to accept reality as it is.

So my mind wonders: what is reality? I think reality is what we make of it, right? It is nothing but our own thoughts, ambitions, dreams, desires, failures, ghosts and breaths – all coming together to materialize our emotions into reality. In this case, will each individual perceive his or her own version of reality?

I look at the trees and I find them green.

I look at the sky and I find them blue.

You look at the trees and you find them green.

You look at the sky and find it blue?

Does your green have the same atoms as mine?

Does your blue have the same undertones as mine?

Feeling lonely

When I sit alone in my room, I find myself surrounded by hundreds of voices of characters I have met before. It could be Cooper or Murph from Interstellar or Charles Darnay and Lucie Manette from A Tale of Two Cities. Some days, it’s Irrfan Khan’s dialogue from the film Rog, where he recounts his suicide attempts. Some nights, it’s the quote from Narayan Sahab’s The Guide that comes to mind:

It seems to me that we generally do not have a correct measure of our own wisdom.

But I still feel alone. I still feel alone.

To be honest, there is no deep reason behind these feelings. It’s just the way I was raised and the way I handled my emotions. To bottle them all up inside me and let them rest. Feed the dragon and let it sleep for eternity.

But I’m really trying to improve myself. I’m really trying to control my emotions, my outbursts of anger, my lustful thoughts so that I can enjoy the gifts that I’ve been given.

I also realized that it is not an external journey, but rather an internal journey that radiates outward and helps you become who you have always wanted to be! I hope that the next time I talk about wellness or things like that, I will have better examples to share. I hope that the next time you read this, you will have a smile on your face.

V.

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This article was previously published on medium.com.

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The article The Reality of Being Delusional appeared first on The Good Men Project.