Stepdaughter wants to be too close

Dear Eric: My daughter-in-law wants a much closer relationship with me than I want. She started calling me “Mom” when she and my son got engaged. I have told her many times that I would prefer to be called by my first name, but she continues to call me “Mom.”

A few months after we got married, she started showing up at my house unannounced. I asked her to stop, but she pretended I was joking. The problem came to a head one day when she stopped by my house while I was in the shower. She let herself in with a key she had copied from my son’s key chain. I let my anger get the best of me and spoke harshly to her. Later that day, she sent me a long email explaining how hurt she was that I was “playing favorites” by allowing my college-aged son to come and go as he pleased, but I wanted her to call me first.

Now she is pregnant and it has gotten worse. She texts me several times a day in the baby’s voice. “Good mowing, Grandma! I kept my mother up all night with burping. Did my father ever do that when he was in your belly?” She wants her mother and I to go to her appointments and be in the delivery room. I don’t know how to manage my relationship with her in a way that doesn’t cause conflict in my son’s marriage.

— Overwhelmed by affection

Dear Affection: She’s impatient and probably having a hard time understanding you, but it’s time to say goodnight to some of those bad habits.

Entering your house unannounced with a key that wasn’t given to her is no picnic. She’s an adult and can understand that ignoring boundaries is not a sign of love.

In a quiet moment, talk to her about respect. Explain that you love her and want to build a relationship with her, but when she does these things, you feel like she’s disrespecting you.

If she interprets your boundaries as slights to her or jokes, that’s a red flag. That’s manipulation.

She may not have had good role models for this type of relationship (we don’t know what’s going on with her own mother), but if she’s not open to listening to you, you can’t build a healthy relationship. Ask your son for insight, but frame your conversation around what you want your relationship to be like, not what you’re struggling with.

Forcing yourself to go on dates will only create more resentment. So, decline. “I don’t think this is working for me, but I can’t wait for the baby shower.” As for the baby talk texts… oh my god, I can’t believe I’m going to write this… ignore them for now. You can’t win ’em all.

Dear Eric: My husband and I were invited to his nephew’s son’s bar mitzvah. We are both in our 70s. I have breast cancer in remission. We have gotten into the habit of avoiding shaking hands and keeping our distance from other people. The family knows our feelings about avoiding exposure to Covid and other viruses.

At dinner, a longtime friend of my husband’s brother pulled up a chair next to my husband to chat with him. During the conversation, the friend revealed that his wife hadn’t come because she was home with Covid.

After we returned home, my husband and I both tested positive for Covid. We were both extremely sick. The parents of the boy who was celebrating his bar mitzvah and a few other people also got sick.

My in-laws admit that the guest was likely the contaminant. I was furious that they knew their friend’s wife was sick and told him he could attend. They claim he was following CDC guidelines. My sister-in-law is upset that I yelled at her and is demanding an apology. At this point, I have no intention of ever socializing with either of them or attending any of their future super-contaminant events. My daughter-in-law thinks we’re being unfair.

— Angry Guest

Dear guest: Your feelings are valid, but too much of your anger is directed at your in-laws. It won’t change the decisions that were made. Yes, your in-laws could have planned a more COVID-friendly gathering or implemented precautions like testing or mask-wearing. But they didn’t, and it wasn’t a condition of your attendance.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying it’s your fault. Just: the risk could have been reduced, but what happened to you was not intentional. Holding onto resentment will eat away at you. Let it go.

However, I don’t quite agree with your daughter-in-law. You have set a limit. That’s normal. If public events with too many unknowns don’t suit you, you don’t have to go.

(Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)