Miss Manners: Old friends should celebrate as they always have… everyone pays their share

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a number of friends whom I meet regularly for meals out, as well as for their birthdays. We have been friends for nearly 40 years and began dating after college, when we were all starting our careers, paying off our loans, and living on a tight budget.

Decades later, we still have the tradition of paying for our own meals, even on occasions like birthdays. The group still pays the birthday person’s bill, but we don’t consider these gatherings to be occasions where a “host” pays. Someone will simply text the group saying, “It’s Bob’s birthday on Tuesday, so where should we meet?”

If, for example, we celebrate an event by having a barbecue in someone’s garden, we all happily take part in the races.

Are we violating the principles of etiquette by continuing to meet under these conditions? We are all happy with these arrangements and, for us, it is the company that counts rather than the protocol regarding the settlement of the bill.

FRIEND READER: You’ve all been friends for 40 years, your system works, you’re having fun, everything’s fine – so are you seriously asking Miss Manners to come along and ruin it all?

Why would you want to do that?

Perhaps because you’ve heard of the prevalence of a la carte entertainment, where people extend what appear to be hospitable invitations – and then, once accepted, ask guests to provide a meal or pay. Yes, it’s a dirty trick that Miss Manners tried to stifle.

But it is the deception that makes this practice reprehensible. There is nothing wrong with people deciding to go out together and pay for their own meals, or to get together for a communal meal, where everyone contributes.

But there would be something wicked in a stranger condemning their pleasure.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners on her website, www.missmanners.com; to his email, [email protected]; or by postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)