The man I loved wasn’t real and his true identity destroyed me’

It was the catfishing nightmare that shocked millions of listeners of the hit podcast Sweet Bobbynow the subject of a new Netflix documentary of the same name. For almost ten years, Harkirat Assi – known as Kirat – believed she was in a long-distance relationship with ‘Bobby’ only to discover she had been the victim of a disturbing fraud. Now she wants to raise awareness about the devastating impact of catfishing, which she says Thank you‘it can happen to anyone’.

Although Bobby Jandu was a real person, his identity was stolen by Kirat’s cousin Simran Bhogal. She posed as Bobby online and manipulated Kirat into an extraordinary web of deception. Simran invented a complex online network of 60 characters connected to Bobby, some real people whose Facebook profiles were duplicated and others completely fictitious. These disguises were used to deceive Kirat into believing Simran’s deception and the elaborate lies Bobby would weave throughout their relationship.

The scam began in 2009, when Kirat was approached by ‘Bobby’ on Facebook following the alleged death of his brother JJ – who happened to be Simran’s ex-boyfriend (JJ was, in fact, alive and well). ‘I don’t randomly talk to people online. I was never that person,” says Kirat. When Bobby contacted her, thanking Kirat for being kind to his brother and helping him through his breakup with Simran, Kirat felt at a disadvantage. ‘I was thinking, ‘I haven’t even paid my respects yet and he approached me.’ This is not right in our culture. I felt a little embarrassed and guilty for not reaching out when I should have.

Very gradually, Assi and Bobby formed an online friendship, exchanging messages. “He used me as a shoulder to lean on, but I was very careful about what I shared with him. It was all very respectful,” she says. The friendship continued for many years until Bobby confessed that he was in love with Kirat. But that wasn’t all: the declaration of love came after Bobby told a surprising story, claiming that he had been shot and was recovering in a New York hospital, having been relocated into a witness protection program.

‘I understood that for someone to be in witness protection there must be some kind of threat to life. Bobby comes from a well-known family and some of the photos and things I’ve seen online show wealth, which is why he could be a target,” she says in the documentary.

Kirat eventually agreed to a “romantic” relationship with Bobby, under the impression that he only had six months left to live. ‘I thought he was going to die. You think “what do I have to lose?” I’m just making a man happy. But he never died. Instead, Bobby continued to use a steady stream of medical emergencies to control Kirat.

Throughout their relationship, Bobby told Kirat he couldn’t make video calls or show his face because of the witness protection program.

“Video calls weren’t a thing back then,” she says. “In witness protection, video calls were not allowed, apparently it was a risk to everyone else in the vicinity. We simply followed this rule for a long time. When he came out of witness protection, he asked me to video call him, but he never showed his face. Finally, I turned mine off because he didn’t want to show his.

Then came more excuses; your phone would break or a health issue would arise. At the same time, he began to exert more and more control over Kirat, eventually ruling her entire life. ‘I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without telling him because he was like, “Where were you? I was scared, what if something happened to me and you weren’t there?”’ He would get angry if she went out and spent time with other people.

She was expected to answer the phone whenever he called and stay on the line to speak to ‘consultants’ when he had a medical emergency so that she could be by Bobby’s side when he woke up. “Whenever he showed up, I had to talk gently to him. (The consultants) said I needed to let them know if there were changes in his behavior, or if he was making noise, because he could be having seizures in his sleep. I was constantly reporting things to the consultant – that being Simran,” she says. ‘It was very uncomfortable. It became very intense because of the health issues I thought were going on. It was my kindness that was taken advantage of,” she adds.

“It’s hard for people to understand what it’s like to be in this situation. It’s like a trickle (…) Little by little, you become controlled to the point where you don’t do the things you want, or would do, because you’re trying to avoid an argument, or you’re afraid.

‘I tried to block him, but then he had a stroke and his “cousin” called me and said: “he needs you”. I would feel guilty for causing this because the consultant told me he shouldn’t stress. It was a cycle.

Her mental health began to deteriorate due to her toxic relationship with Bobby. “I recognized that I wasn’t myself, and the few people I had occasional communication with also said that to me,” she says. ‘I shut down. I couldn’t speak. I started to lose weight. Once she was going to meet a colleague, and she had to keep it a secret from Bobby. ‘I was like, “I can’t leave the house, I’m too scared. What will happen if he finds out?”

In the end, Kirat’s suspicions grew when Bobby finally visited London but still refused to see her. She hired a private investigator who tracked down Bobby’s last known address in Brighton and Kirat went there to confront him. After a painful confrontation with the real Bobby, the truth was revealed. The Bobby she had been communicating with for years was actually her cousin Simran.

The documentary sheds light on Simran’s confession, which came the day after Kirat told her he would tell the police about the deception. “I can’t comment on how Simran might be feeling (about the documentary),” says Kirat. — She didn’t reveal much after the confession. I just want her to be responsible and own up to exactly what she did. I wish she would explain everything, so we all know what she did and how she will take responsibility for it.

Kirat obtained a “substantial settlement” in a civil case against Simran in 2020 for “harassment, misuse of private information and data protection violations”. However, catfishing is not illegal in the UK and the police told Kirat that what happened to her was not a crime.

Does she hope the documentary can finally deliver some kind of justice? “I hope the documentary creates awareness about these issues and instigates some kind of change in people’s attitudes and allows other people to speak out,” she says. “I know there are other victims, some who have come forward, others who have not. Everyone is afraid of being ridiculed, but I put myself out there to be ridiculed. I may be stupid, naive, whatever you want to call me, but she shouldn’t have done what she did. We need to report this type of behavior.

Sweet Bobby: My Catfish Nightmare is now available on Netflix