Questions for Eric: Cousin lies about financial needs

Dear Erik: After being out of touch for several years, I reconnected with a cousin who was once close. When she recently visited my area, I met her and her granddaughter “Mia”.

My cousin told me about the financial problems this sweet teenager is facing. My boyfriend finances most of Mia’s extracurricular activities and clothes.

About a month later I received a text from Mia asking if I could please buy a pair of sneakers for her upcoming soccer camp. Surprised, I contacted my cousin about her request. My cousin “reminded me” that I had offered to help Mia. Well, I didn’t mean financially!

But because she really is a sweet child, I offered to help get the sneakers. Unfortunately, Mia wanted ridiculously expensive sneakers that I wouldn’t buy for my own granddaughter. When I told my cousin that, she said, “Well, Mia is very picky and wants what she wants.”

Not too happy with that answer, I asked Mia to choose a pair within a specific price range. She apologized and sent other options within that range. After receiving them, Mia sent numerous thank you messages and then invited me to join her and my cousin ‘down the shore’ on a ten day vacation they had planned. I didn’t respond because the invitation didn’t come from my cousin.

I’m angry and feel like I’ve been backed into a corner because my cousin Mia asked for help and I haven’t heard from her at all. Should I let my cousin know how I feel, or should I just cut ties completely?

– Feeling used

Best feeling used: Although your cousin put Mia in an awkward, even inappropriate position, the teen responded well to your boundaries, expressed gratitude for your generosity, and took a step toward building a relationship that isn’t purely transactional.

This teenager did indeed do everything your cousin should have done. Now the cousin can coach her through this, but the first step should have been for your cousin to reach out to clarify the parameters of the help you were providing. If you don’t, you and Mia will find yourself in an awkward situation.

Let your cousin know how you feel. There’s no point in simmering in silence. And consider responding to Mia’s text, even if it’s a “thanks but no thanks.” The two of you have been good at communicating so far, despite your cousin dropping the ball.