Dear Abby: My brother obeys his wife’s orders to stop talking to me

DEAR ABBY: My older brother had a tumultuous marriage to a manipulative, alcoholic, and just plain mean woman. It was difficult throughout their 40 years of marriage, including his physical assault.

He called the police last time and had them taken away. She finally kicked him out and he went to live with our younger brother. He then got a hotel room and stayed away from her for two weeks. He then decided to save money by returning home but staying in their trailer.

She invited him to dinner, it was very nice and they got back together. Now she’s given him an ultimatum, stating that my younger brother and I don’t treat her like “family.” So he called us and told us he had to cut ties with us.

It’s so discouraging. I told him I didn’t accept that – he is my brother and was my protector when I was a child – but he said that’s how it is. I’m distraught. Our mother passed away five years ago and our blood family is just the three of us. I don’t want to lose my brother.

I always accepted his wife as the woman he chose to be with, regardless of her obnoxious behavior. I even called her every week, only for her to always manage to say something petty to me. I finally decided the phone worked both ways and stopped calling. We always went to every event she invited us to and maintained a friendship with her children who my brother adopted.

I need your advice on how to cope with my loss or how to stay in touch with my brother despite everything. — CONDITIONAL SIS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SISTER: Your brother is a willing hostage in his abusive marriage. Just because he found his attacker doesn’t mean the cycle won’t repeat itself. In other words, over time, he might come back. In the meantime, let him know that you love him and will always be there for him in his time of need.

As for how to get through this painful time, stay busy. Don’t give yourself time to sit and ruminate. Then be sure to count all the blessings you have in your life and realize that, for now, your brother is where he wants to be.

DEAR ABBY: I was a member of a non-profit group for a few years. The leader’s wife bought me an old upright piano, thinking I would use it in a church they were starting. I was grateful for the piano and used it a lot. It’s adorable.

The non-profit disbanded and we no longer see these people. They did not ask for restitution or money. It would be difficult to give them money, and it seems to be a gift. Do you think I should give them money? — A GIFT IN THE WEST

DEAR GIFT: If your conscience tells you to remind them that you have the piano and ask them if they would like compensation, then call them. It might help you feel better. Since you haven’t been asked to return it, they may not ask you for money. But if that’s the case, try to work out a payment plan that won’t cause you stress.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and relationships with peers and parents can be found in “What Every Teenager Should Know.” Send your name and mailing address, along with a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, PO Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling charges are included in the price.)