Wife's revelations lead man to consider divorce

Dear Abby
| Jeanne Phillips

Dear Abby: I have been married for 27 years and have two children. My wife recently revealed to me that she was raped when she was 14, but said it was not violent. She also said that she had several adult partners when she was 15 and 16 years old. We discussed our past before marriage and these things were not mentioned. If they had been, I wouldn’t have married her.

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I have trouble even looking at her now. I want to tell her I want a divorce, but I’m looking for a second opinion on what I should do. Am I being ridiculous for wanting a divorce because of things that happened 35 years ago?

– Played in Missouri

Dear played: Consent laws can be confusing and change over time, and a lot can depend on the age of each partner. However, rape is rape. When your wife was 15 and 16, an ADULT could also be breaking the law by having sex with her, even consensually. After all this, she could have benefited from counseling (if any were offered).

Your wife may not have discussed this previously because she was afraid that her reaction would be as exaggerated as it has been. Before you decide to divorce her for being victimized as a teenager, I recommend that you consult a licensed therapist, either alone or with her. If you do this, you will have a better perspective.

Dear Abby: My first true adult love was a woman named “Sasha.” We had a whirlwind romance in the mid-80s. At the time, I thought she was the only one. The romance ended when she told me she was married. The last time I saw her was with her husband in a nightclub in the 80s.

I moved on and married someone else in 1990. However, sometimes I think about Sasha. I don’t remember her married surname, so I can’t locate her. My wife thinks it’s crazy that I want to talk to Sasha. I want to ask her if our relationship was real and if she loved me. As I traveled through the area where I met Sasha, I would look at people to see if I could find her. Do you think I’m crazy for wanting to just have one conversation with Sasha?

— Bittersweet in California

Dear Bittersweet: It’s been 40 years since his whirlwind romance with Sasha. What was a whirlwind romance for you may have been an adventure for her. She should have told you from the beginning that she was married, but she didn’t, which leads me to think she didn’t love you. People who love each other try to protect each other. Which brings me to your question. No, I don’t think you’re crazy, but I think it’s time to stop trying to revisit the past.

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