Mother refusing ex-fiancé’s request to change her surname: ‘Insecure’

A woman has gained support online for refusing to change her surname after her divorce, even though her ex-husband and fiancé are pressuring her to do so.

The 56-year-old mother of four, known on Reddit as u/Feeling_Blessed_4eve, shared her story on “Am I The A******?” subreddit, where it received more than 11,000 upvotes.

She explained that she and her ex-husband of 26 years amicably separated two years ago after he came out as gay. Since then, she has kept his surname on official documents, although she uses her maiden name socially, as changing her name appropriately would be “a huge hassle”.

The situation became complicated recently when, at her grandson’s birthday party, her ex and his fiancé asked her to consider dropping her last name. In her post, she shared, “He recently got engaged to a wonderful guy. I have been supportive of their relationship, but during my grandson’s birthday party, my ex suddenly asked if I would consider dropping his last name.

“His fiance chimed in, saying it makes him uncomfortable that I still wear it. I was taken aback and awkwardly joked that unless they wanted to spend hours in line at various government offices, I wouldn’t change that. didn’t laugh. He insisted it was about starting a new chapter and wants me to ‘move on’.

She went on to describe her frustration. “I feel like I’m stuck between trying to keep the peace and being forced into something just because his fiancé is insecure,” she added.

She pointed out that all of her children share the same surname and argued that it would be strange for her to be the only one in the family with a different name.

Her ex-husband, however, expressed that her fiancé sees keeping her surname as a “power play”, something that hurt her deeply. While one of her children supports her decision to keep the name, another believes she should give in for the sake of peace.

She said she would consider making the move after her ex got married and settled down, but her ex accused her of being “petty and selfish.”

She concluded, “I’m frustrated. I don’t see why a name on some legal documents is so important, but they’re making me feel like the villain. So AITA for refusing to drop my ex-husband’s latest case even though he will get married again?”

Experts evaluate

Therapist Alex Banta of Columbus, Ohio, said News week: “It makes perfect sense that OP would want to keep the name she has had for most of her life and the name she shares with her children.”

She added that her ex-husband’s fiancé’s discomfort stems from insecurities rather than any real threat.

“Asking OP to make a big change without any evidence of real concern is unfair and harmful to the health of the family system overall,” she said.

Paul Koenigsberg, attorney at Koenigsberg & Associates, opined News week, stating that there is no legal requirement for OP to change her name after divorce unless specified in the decree.

“Her ex-husband and fiancé cannot force her to change her name. She has full autonomy over her legal identity and the law does not require her to comply with the other party’s preferences.”

He also noted that name continuity can help maintain the emotional stability of children, who still use their father’s surname.

“Changing her surname could also make any future legal or property issues more complex, especially if the children continue to use their father’s surname,” he added.

Reddit reacts

Redditors overwhelmingly supported the woman’s decision, encouraging her to keep her name if that’s what she wants.

One commenter wrote: “NTA. Don’t change your name! I’ve had my ex’s name for 22 years and changing it is horrible… like you said, it’s your children’s name and you will always be their mother. If the fiancé If you have a problem, it’s a shame… keep your position in this case.”

Another commenter, GrammyGH, added: “Especially after a 26 year marriage. I’m sure, like many women, she’s had that last name longer than her maiden name. that they are not married. The decision to change her surname is her decision alone.

News week I reached out to u/u/Feeling_Blessed_4eve for comment via Reddit. Details of the case could not be verified.

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