Truths about being a stepfather

Growing up, I was someone’s stepson. This experience, along with the evil stepfather trope, taught me everything I needed to know about what no do when I entered the relationship that would become a stepfather.

But as for finding out the rest? I had a good foundation as someone who had previously been a janitor, But that’s not everyone’s story. Stepparenting and the pressures around it can be a real challenge.

I’m about a decade into being a stepparent and still learning daily – still understanding where I fit into things. As I talk to more stepparents, I realize this is not uncommon. Children grow, boundaries change, and families look different from year to year.

Here are the things no one tells you about stepparents, according to the stepparents themselves.

Many discussions about parenting emphasize the importance of having a support system. The support anyone needs varies, but many find that people don’t extend themselves in the same way when you’re a stepparent.

“I have friends who are mothers, but they don’t consider me a mother,” shared a stepmother from Georgia, who shares a 7-year-old with her husband and his ex and who asked to remain anonymous. “They seemed uncomfortable when I shared my frustrations about parenthood. I later found out it was because they didn’t think my stepdaughter was mine to ‘claim’.”

Kristie Tse, psychotherapist and founder of Discover mental health counselingtold HuffPost that it’s important to have someone you can count on as a stepparent.

“Developing a network of understanding peers can provide insights and emotional support that are not always available from immediate family. This may include trusted friends, therapist-led groups or online communities where experiences and shared strategies are exchanged,” said Tse.

“Establishing this type of support can help mitigate feelings of isolation, providing a sense of belonging and reducing stress. Actively seeking out these resources is essential as they provide a space to share challenges without judgment and empower stepparents in their role.”

If you are in a shared custody situation, you are partially at the mercy of the other parent. You should not accept the responsibility of being a stepparent if you are not comfortable having the child full-time if circumstances require it. Life is unpredictable and things can change.

“We were 50/50 for years – on paper, but it was more like 70/30 for many years. For a year, it was 90/10,” said a 19-year-old stepmother from New Jersey who preferred to remain anonymous.

“It wasn’t a matter of my stepson being there. For me, it was the lack of ability to plan things with an erratic schedule that often left us moving forward in trouble. But to a child, you can see how it feels like not wanting them around. What if there is an adult in their ear? It could be bad,” she added.

Darlene Taylorspecialist in child and family development and author of “It’s Not About Us: A Coparenting Survival Guide to Get on the Right Path,” said that in contentious situations it is vital for stepparents “to be the voice of reason and support.”

“I think the best thing you can do as a support system for primary parents is not fan the flames. Help them stay on what I call the main road. I often think that people confuse supporting someone with attacking someone else, and that’s not necessarily the best way to give your support,” she said.

With time and experience, you build confidence in parenting. But when raising a stepchild, you will ask yourself a thousand questions. If you say something, will it start a fight between the parents or between you and your partner? Will your stepson feel betrayed?

“I have a lot of strong opinions about parenting, being the oldest of four children who helped my parents a lot growing up,” said Rosa, a stepmother in New York. “For years, my wife and I have talked about the parenting ideals we share, but some of them are not reflected in the way he cares for the son he shares with his ex. It can be frustrating and make me nervous about the issues that arise in raising our shared child as he gets older.”

Jackie Pilossoph, founder of Divorced girl smiling — a service, blog, and podcast dedicated to connecting divorced individuals with professionals — said that in this situation, you should respectfully negotiate those boundaries.

“You have to respect the way the other person is a mother. Sometimes people roll their eyes, like, ‘I wouldn’t handle it that way,’ but remember it’s your spouse’s child and you should respect their decisions,” Pilossoph said. “You can make suggestions, but you can’t take things personally. I always tell my stepchildren, ‘I’m here to help you as a role model, friend, and stepmom. I know you have a mother and I just want to be here for you as another source of support.

As a stepparent, you have almost the same responsibilities as a primary parent, especially when the child is with you. Many stepparents feel forgotten when it comes to milestone moments or the daily routine when gratitude is expressed – by co-parents or children.

“I have planned my share of birthday parties. I heard my husband got credit for that,” the New Jersey stepmom admitted. “We divided and conquered, but my schedule meant I was always more available than my husband or his ex. My husband has learned to show his gratitude, but I’d be lying if I didn’t feel more like a parental assistant than a stepparent, rushing from place to place without gratitude.”

You cannot control how your stepson relates to you. For one thing, you have no control over how your stepchild feels about you at any point in the relationship. You can do your best, but that’s all, no matter how hopeless it may seem at times.

This also applies to the future. Not every relationship works out, and unfortunately, if you and your spouse separate, your relationship with your stepchild may not continue the way you want, or at all.

Every stepparent I spoke to agreed that no matter how complicated the path may be, they adore their stepchildren. You feel their ups and downs as much as any parent. For every challenging moment, countless memories emerged that I wouldn’t trade for anything.