Common reasons parents distance themselves from adult children

People often discuss family distancing from the adult child’s perspective, but parents can also make the difficult decision to have little or no contact. The reasons why parents distance themselves from their adult children are complex, but no less valid. Family dynamics can create tension on both sides of the parent-child relationship.

Each family system works differently; some ways are healthier than others. If a parent feels that it is no longer possible to maintain a close bond with their adult child, they may decide to separate from them emotionally or physically. While distancing is never easy, it often serves as a protective measure, giving space to heal past wounds.

Here are 9 common reasons why parents distance themselves from their adult children:

1. They hold a lot of shame and guilt from the past.

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Parents often distance themselves from their adult children because they feel ashamed that they have not overcome the situation. Maybe they weren’t as available as they would have liked when their children were young, and they have internalized that experience so deeply that they have withdrawn from their children’s lives now that they are older.

Shame and guilt are simultaneous and related emotions, but they are defined differently. Guilt is caused when someone realizes that they did something that harmed other people. Shame is a negative evaluation of yourself as bad because of something you did. In other words, guilt is what a person feels when they make a mistake, and shame is what they think when they blame themselves for that mistake.

June Tangney, a psychology professor at George Mason University, observed that when people feel guilty about their behavior, “they tend to want to confess, to apologize, to make things right.” In contrast, when people feel shame, “they tend to get defensive, deny, blame other people, not really take responsibility, and sometimes get angry at others for making them feel that way.” . But what they don’t necessarily do is change their behavior.”

Parents may feel so ashamed that they don’t know how to move forward or make things right with their adult children, so they distance themselves.

2. There is lingering resentment.

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Parents may also distance themselves from adult children if they harbor resentment. They may still feel hurt by past grievances or believe that their children treated them unfairly. People are entitled to their own emotional experiences, and most of the time, there are two sides to every story.

Resentment is incredibly challenging because it is linked to other emotions such as anger and envy. The Berkeley Welfare Institute described resentment as people’s feelings when they don’t get what they think they deserve.

According to their definition, “resentment is a particular type of anger” that is usually caused when someone’s boundaries are violated or their expectations are not met. Resentment is difficult to overcome, which is why parents who feel deep resentment toward their adult children may decide to distance themselves.

The Berkeley Institute noted that gratitude and forgiveness are the opposites of resentment. Forgiving someone requires accepting the situation as it is. While doing so isn’t necessarily easy, people can release resentment by checking in with themselves and working to find forgiveness. Cultivating empathy for the other person involved is a valuable part of this process, as is finding things to be grateful for.

3. They have other priorities.

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Parents may find that their priorities change as their children grow up and leave the nest. After spending decades caring for their family members’ emotional and practical needs, some parents decide they finally need to put themselves first. As a result, they prioritize their daily routine, hobbies, and friendships over their connection with family.

Although these changes are not easy for adult children to accept, that does not make them any less valid. It can be difficult for adult children to see their parents as individuals with their own hopes and dreams, which is why they can become upset when their parents decide not to help care for their grandchildren or to go on vacation instead of celebrating the family holiday.

In an ideal situation, parents can reserve time for their children and for life. However, this is not always possible, which is why parents distance themselves from their adult children.

4. There is persistent trauma.

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Another common reason parents become distant from their adult children is unresolved generational trauma. If a parent was raised in an environment where emotional detachment was normalized, they will likely repeat these patterns with their children.

Unhealed traumas are passed down through family systems, often without people realizing what is happening. A person who is harshly judged and criticized by their parents may have the same attitude towards their children just because they don’t know any other way to be a parent.

When parents are unable or unwilling to do the work necessary to redirect trauma, they often struggle to appear as a stable presence for their children, both in childhood and adulthood. Therefore, they end up distancing themselves from their adult children.

5. They have opposite values.

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It can be challenging for parents to accept their children as autonomous individuals who form their opinions and determine their value systems. It is relatively common for children to become adults and discover fundamental differences in their beliefs and upbringing. Just as this dissonance can contribute to an adult child’s decision not to have contact with their parents, it can also be a reason why parents distance themselves from their adult children.

Parents may not agree with their adult children’s lifestyle. They may oppose the choices their children make for themselves and their families. These differences can lead to the painful movement of putting distance between them and their children.

As dating coach Erika Johnson noted, “The falsely cited saying ‘blood is thicker than water’ can compel us to maintain these connections,” but the sad reality is that these connections can be built on false foundations, often leading to distancing.

6. They want to avoid becoming overly dependent on their children.

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As parents grow older, a harsh truth begins to dawn: they won’t be around forever. The aging process is not easy, both on a practical and emotional level. As parents grow in age, they often need extra support. It becomes more difficult for them to live independently, which can create a challenging situation for their adult children as they become responsible for caring for their parents while raising their own families.

Gen X parents are part of the “sandwich generation” of people who support their Boomer parents and their own children at the same time. There is no easy solution to this problem, which is why so many adult children and their parents end up feeling trapped. Parents may feel like a burden to their adult children and this feeling of guilt causes them to isolate and distance themselves.

7. They have health problems.

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One factor that is directly related to elderly parents’ imminent fear of being too dependent on their adult children is having health problems. It is highly possible that your energy and relationship skills are not what they used to be. Your health challenges can profoundly affect your availability, along with your ability to maintain close connections with your children.

Some parents with health problems may make the active decision to distance themselves from their adult children, while for others it may happen gradually and subconsciously. They may find it difficult to leave the house as often as before or may find it difficult to take on too many tasks at once. The changes they go through as they age are a common reason for parents to distance themselves from their adult children.

8. They feel overwhelmed and need space.

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Parents may distance themselves from their adult children if they feel overwhelmed by family obligations. Maybe one child lives on the West Coast and the other lives on the East Coast, but they both have young children they want their parents to visit or watch. Perhaps organizing a vacation has become stressful and they feel like they are too overwhelmed. Due to the multitude of conflicting situations in which they find themselves, they end up not being close to their adult children.

Parental burnout is very real, and it doesn’t just affect young parents. It can also affect older parents whose children are adults. Recovering from extreme burnout is challenging. Parents may decide to take care of their own needs and take time away from their adult children so they can reset and recharge.

9. They went through a major life transition.

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Parents with adult children often experience major changes in their lives that cause them to shift their focus inward or, at least, away from their children. Major transitions such as retirement, divorce, downsizing, or loss of a spouse can seriously impact a parent’s ability to be there for their adult children. They may decide to take a step back, reaching out or visiting their children less frequently so they can come around on their own.

Life transitions can be joyful and exciting, but they can also be painful and require people to reorganize their expectations and relationships. With each new era conquered, there is always some loss that accompanies it. Because of the scope and depth of the changes they are experiencing, parents may become distant from their adult children.

Alexandra Blogier is a writer on the news and entertainment team at YourTango. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis, and everything to do with the entertainment industry.