Questions for Eric: How to respond when a friend’s widow remains silent after a loss

Dear Eric: I had a good friend who died last year. We had known each other for more than 50 years. We socialized as much as we could, and I talked to him regularly.

He got sick and I visited him as much as I could. After he died, I offered my help to his wife in arranging the funeral, as they had done nothing. I heard no response.

We learned about the funeral via the Internet. We sent flowers and cards; we never received any response. We called and left messages the same way. We sent cards for masses, holidays and birthdays. No response.

We hear from other friends that she is doing well. We don’t understand her behavior and don’t know what else we can do. What is your advice?

– Stunned friend

Dear Perplexed: I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. I know his wife’s silence makes the loss even harder. The silence also makes it difficult to figure out what’s happening on her end. A likely explanation is that her sadness makes it difficult to talk to you, forces her to withdraw, or simply makes logistics a challenge. That’s hard to accept, but it’s not about who you are. Grief is complicated and often cruel; it takes us out of ourselves.

Unfortunately, there’s nothing more you can do to establish a connection. For now, it is important to recognize her silence as a boundary and respect it. You’ve shown your support in many ways, but when it’s not what she wants or needs, the most supportive thing you can do is to step back with love.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him further Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.