Dear Annie: My sister blames me for our father’s death

Dear Annie: My father died by suicide in 2021. My sister, who was initially supportive, later called my mother drunk and said a lot of nasty things about both me and my mother. For some reason, my mother didn’t interrupt the conversation and later told me what my sister said, including that my father committed suicide because our other sister and I were “unstable” and couldn’t care for him.

I haven’t talked to my excessive drinking sister in a few years. She previously ruined a family Thanksgiving with another drunken outburst and also wasted some money I gave her for a car. I want to confront her about it, but I know she will deny it and turn away in an attempt to offend me. I don’t have time for this; I am disabled and have severe recurring depression and anxiety. I found my father, which was very hard on me, and I’m shocked that not only would my sister not understand this, but would also continue to gossip about me.

Should I reach out and reluctantly text her explaining why I haven’t replied to her messages since I heard what she said to our mother while she was drunk again? This is only because she doesn’t want to talk to me on the phone, only via text. Or should I just go my own way? — Still in pain

Dear, still in pain: It sounds like a confrontation will end with your sister once again passing on the burden of your family’s hardships, which will only be frustrating and hurtful to you.

While I’m sure she’s still grieving the loss of your father in her own way, it’s not likely that any productive change will occur as long as your sister continues to drink. Protecting your own peace seems like a much better use of your time until your sister is willing to listen and take responsibility for the pain she contributed to your life. You may find solace in your local Al-Anon chapter, where you can connect with others who understand this struggle well.