Parents’ WhatsApp for my kids’ school is driving me crazy – but I refuse to give it up

P.eng. I used to dread the WhatsApp classroom noise until I turned it off. It can happen at any time of the day or night, delivering a message: a lost sock, a conspiracy theory, or a parent rallying against an injustice, like children not being able to wear their PE kit at school – “please sign the petition”. . This can make me panic: “Oh no, they need some pretty jars for the school fair by tomorrow!” I scream, thinking: How am I supposed to find jars and fill them with brightly colored candy between now and then?

It can be very random – like a video of a mother singing in a cornfield to the new classic album she’s proud to put together, recommendations for nannies and babysitters, or a copy of a confirmation reservation for a restaurant accompanied by a message such as “Reservation made”. inside for 6 people. Can take tables outside if available’. Followed by: “Sorry, I had the wrong conversation – that’s what I get when trying to multitask.” » A father sent a complete Google Doc with his working presentation for a top secret Christmas advert to Year 3 parents.

Parents like me rely on class WhatsApp groups to tell us what’s happening and when; although for most of us it is the bane of our lives, it is also very entertaining. This is why I love and hate the WhatsApp course – and I can’t give it up.

However, for some moms, WhatsApp chats between parents do more harm than good, causing burnout, paranoia and insecurity. A dedicated mother showed me 90 unread messages for the school’s charity quiz night, telling me she participates in a staggering 15 class discussions because she is a class rep and PTA member . “My husband is so angry he says he lost me because of WhatsApp,” she told me.

These group chats are a source of endless stress for many – personally, I just don’t follow them. The sheer number of messages is unmanageable for any working parent. I really struggle with the parent book club where selected parents read a book and send a message about how they are doing. It’s like a full-time job that I could do without.

This is especially problematic when you have more than one child in a school, as you end up juggling class messages and countless birthday parties.

I declined the offer to join a WhatsApp group called “Monday Trouble? last week, as I thought I would be create a problem putting myself in the line of fire for emergency pickups and drop-offs if a parent is held up at the office. Sure, it might work in my favor if I needed help picking up eight-year-old Lola and six-year-old Liberty, as the mother who invited me eagerly pointed out, but the idea of being added to yet another heated group chat was unbearable.

I’ve already been in the middle of a marital breakup during the group chat I’m in with a couple further down the line – we share the walk back to school. The wife publicly shamed her husband for not coming home that evening – which meant he missed his turn to file that morning.

But the worst part is when you offend the whole group by accident – ​​like I did when I defaced the photo of another person’s child at Christmas when the whole reception class posted festive photos of their children. I’m not alone in the social media bullshit – I mean, look at Geri Halliwell-Horner who wished her former Spice Girl bandmate Mel B a happy 49th birthday in May with a series of photos from the years 1990 and a caption with instructions for her team that was posted to her 1.4 million followers: “I sent Pippa some images and this wording asked her to edit them if necessary. ‘Happy birthday @officialmelb! I hope you have a great day!'”

It was a mortifying mistake – Horner’s fans mocked her for the gaffe. I was ashamed for my mother. Unfortunately, as it was Christmas Day, I hadn’t read the course messages – but around 10 p.m. I received a text from a mum friend saying: “Have you seen the WhatsApp course?”

I looked and, to my horror, there appeared to be multi-colored scribbles on a child’s face, as if I had gone crazy with the graffiti tools. The defaced photo was attached to a message: “Why would anyone do this? »

I had a stomach ache. Was it really my fault? Looking through the dozens of messages, I saw that this was indeed the case – but how? I saw another message: “Did you think this might be a mistake before jumping to conclusions?” and another accusatory message: “Well why didn’t she respond then?

I sat down and took a deep breath. The messages kept coming. I suddenly remembered that I had given my phone to my daughter Liberty, then five, to show her the photos – God knows what she had tapped, but she has no idea about photo editing apps. I calmly sent a message to the group: “Sorry, Liberty did this by mistake and I haven’t seen the messages until now. » The drama finally ended in one fell swoop – but I felt deeply hurt.

This proved that the WhatsApp classroom is a minefield – just like more public forms of social media. We’ve all made epic mistakes, then grimaced in horror. Earlier this year, Barbra Streisand publicly commented on Melissa McCarthy’s Instagram when she saw a photo of the actor attending a gala with director Adam Shankman, saying, “Hi, did you take Ozempic?”

WhatsApp – like other forms of social media – is a breeding ground for insecurity and paranoia, says Professor Phil Reed, a professor of psychology at Swansea University who studies internet addiction. “It has the same advantages and disadvantages as any other digital communication, so it can be associated with anything that other social media is associated with,” Reed tells me.

“If it has particular problems, they may be related to its more text-based nature, as we have found that these types of digital communication tend to attract narcissists.” That’s not to say that everyone who uses text is narcissistic, she adds, but it seems to attract more of these types of people than other forms of social media.

“What we found previously is that while posting selfies on visual social media tends to make people more narcissistic over time, more narcissistic people tend to use visual-based social media more. text over time.” It’s hard to say exactly why this happens, she says.

“This may be because the lack of immediate face-to-face feedback allows them to say things that would be censored in other social contexts, which may help fuel their need for empowerment.” , she says.

I remember a recent WhatsApp storm from my daughter’s Class 3 over the question of what is taught in sex education – like gender reassignment. I wanted to take cover as the group chat traffic skyrocketed, only to drop again about four hours later.

This is a phenomenon known as “swarming” according to Professor Reed, which can “generate a lot of anxiety and group hysteria”.

“The main problem with swarming,” she explains, “is that existing anxieties (in one person) are reflected back into the group, like a mirror or echo chamber, making them worse and worse. “

Natalie Costa, a child and parenting confidence coach in the UK and founder of Power Thoughts, a coaching and education program that supports children’s mental wellbeing, says the ‘agony’ of groups School WhatsApp is huge for parents and the stress and ‘comparing’ is huge. something that comes up often in his sessions for parents.

Although being part of a group has its positive sides, she says, such as providing a sense of community and belonging, a space where all relevant school information is shared, as well as providing connections with other parents and an opportunity to build friendships, being on it can produce the same feeling of having to keep up with the Joneses.

“This can be a breeding ground for Fomo (fear of missing out) and ‘comparisonitis’ – giving parents the feeling that they can’t miss out and if they do, what would that say about them and their parenting?” says Costa, who has many clients convinced they’re not “good enough” parents. “Seeing everyone else in the group participating in events can increase pressure on parents to conform and participate as well.”

Comparison and worry can also set in, she says, when parents discuss exams, school entrance tests and tutors. “It can be very stressful as parents may wonder if they are doing enough. Parents can also feel the pressure from the blue checkmark, she notes — “the almost unwritten rule that if I’ve read the message, I have to respond at that time.”

“This can be particularly dysregulated for our nervous system, because it always feels like we’re in fight or flight,” she says. It can also be addictive. “Every time a notification goes off or you get a message, it brings a dose of dopamine – so we keep coming back for more… adding even more to the mental load.”

Another added challenge, Costa points out, is that the school WhatsApp group can feel like You are the one back on the playing field. I couldn’t agree more. I have to admit though, that regardless of playground politics, I’m not giving up on the WhatsApp class – it’s just too much fun. But as Costa points out, it’s about being aware of how much energy you need to give it. That’s why I’ll just dip in and out of it – and wait for the best bits.