Thoughts from Handsome Steve: Talking to Animals Doesn't Mean You're Crazy

If you’re like me, you’re probably tired of people who like to talk endlessly about their dogs and how much they love them, and how they are the best, and bring them so much pleasure, and so on. ad nauseam.

Anyway, I have the biggest, nicest dogs in the world, and I love them, and what’s more, they know it. How do they know, you ask? Because I tell him every day: “you’re adorable, you’re so smart, you’re the cat’s ass” and so on. That’s right, I talk to them, and I’ll bet you three drops of Advantage, yes $45, that 100% of people talk to them.

Now probably three of you are saying that this guy is either hanging on nylon chew bones or he’s not familiar with the Gregorian percentile system because nothing is ever 100%. But I’m right about this, so right that in addition to the three drops of flea repellent, I’m also going to let two Rottweilers bite my earlobes and hang there for 52 minutes. Actually, I’m lying about it, but not about it.

Eight of you were wondering where I found the temerity to make such an incredible statement. Well, I’ll tell you. This came after over a minute of careful thought and research. Additionally, I even thought of even smaller subcategories and categories of content. Hold on skeptics, here’s how the “100% of people talk to their dog” figure breaks down.

43% of people have what I like to call a rhetorical relationship with their dog. In other words, they will ask them questions to which there is only one possible answer. “Are you hungry? Do you want to take a walk? Do you want a bone? Now, has anyone ever heard of an animal that answered any of these questions equivocally? No!

22% of people are like me. We have fun conversations with our four-legged friends, ask them questions to make them tilt their heads in that adorable way, and only scold and lecture them when they destroy our Willie rookie card Mays, and so on. We tend to let them sleep on our beds and say their teeth are horrible when we fold back their slimy lips to take a look. During this time, we’re sure they digest and process each Bond Bot; they’re probably just waiting for that finger to come off their gums.

17% of people suffer from serious mental illness regarding their dog. These are people with a well-known scientific disease called EAA. EAA stands for Expect An Answer, and that’s what people with EAA do after saying something to their dogs. These people can be found on street corners or in the homes of Mayflower descendants. Basically, they’re the ones who don’t really distinguish between their dog and an aunt with too much facial hair.

11% of people suffer from a terribly advanced version of EAA syndrome, technically known as DAVOEAA. which stands for Dreadfully Advanced Version of Expectant Answer. These are people who frequently have small dogs, dressing them in little tube sweaters or playing with their natural animal appearance in some way. They’ll put bows on their heads or paint their nails, turning their dogs into weirdly dressed toddlers. These dogs’ feet never touch the ground as they are normally cradled in their owner’s arms. Not only does a person with DAVOEE constantly talk to their dog, but they also frequently have the annoying habit of speaking for them in the third person. “Caleb, would you like it if you could turn up the air conditioning?” “Dixie was scared by a fire truck when she was a puppy, so she would appreciate it if you didn’t make a loud noise and took off your red clothes.”

Everyone knows it’s the DAVOEE who’s sweaty and neurotic about the color red. So here are the facts. I know I didn’t add up to 100%, but I’m still right. Anyway, I have to go talk to Bob and Gina about what they want for lunch. I guess I don’t need to tell you, they’re not my kids, but I might still end up waiting for an answer.

Stephen Neigher is a screenwriter who worked in television and film in Hollywood for over twenty years, a retired screenwriting professor at UNC Chapel Hill and is considered by many to be quite handsome.

Chapelboro.com does not charge subscription fees and you can directly support our local journalism efforts here. Want to know more about what you see in Chapelboro? Let us bring you free local news and community information by subscribing to our newsletter.