How to Stop Overreacting at Work

Hello and welcome to Working It.

I just hosted a panel discussion in my own office (what could be better?) with three of the best in the business world: Gabriella Braun, author of All that we areAndrew Scott, professor of economics at the London Business School — and author of The longevity imperative — and Helen Tupper, co-founder and CEO of Amazing If.

We were talking about some of the themes in my book, A career that stands the test of timeand I came away feeling optimistic that things can get better as we go through our working lives. As Andrew told the audience at the FT Women in Business Forum members’ event, we evolve and change. Sometimes, though, in the race for status and promotion, we forget who we really are and what we want. And that stops us from thriving. What works for us in terms of work at 35 may not work for us at 45 or 70.

Read on to learn some tips for overcoming difficult or crisis moments at work. And send me an email – [email protected] – with your thoughts on what constitutes a future-proof career. (This doesn’t even need to involve AI 🙂

How to stop overreacting at work 🤬

How often have you overreacted to something that happens at work – without knowing why? 🙋🏼‍♀️. This might include crying when a manager gives critical feedback (even mild ones) or dreading any interaction with a senior colleague whose brusque attitude makes you feel worthless. I was shocked by the force of my own reactions to seemingly insignificant things (special apologies to the FT colleague who had to “hold space”, as the jargon goes, when I choked on our soup lunch this week).

To find out why overreaction happens and what we can do about it, I spoke to Alice Sheldon, creator of an approach called Needs Understanding. I spoke to her after reading her book, Why weren’t we taught this in school?, which describes a way to build better relationships in the workplace (and in life) based on the idea that we all seek to meet our own underlying needs. By understanding what’s going on beneath the surface, Alice suggests, we can learn to let go of the heat of the moment and stop avoiding difficult work situations that provoke strong reactions. (My problem is confrontation with people superior to me. I’m tight-lipped and can’t stand not pleasing others, so I’m – or was – very avoidant.)

Everything we do in life, Alice says, is tied to this basic human desire to have our needs met. Some of these needs are what she calls “fingerprint needs”: embedded and personal to us. These are areas where our needs were not met in childhood, which triggers a strong reaction – even if we don’t understand why – as adults. An example might be having a parent who had high expectations of you and criticized you freely. You might feel like you’re not “good enough” and these feelings would be activated again by a perfectionist or critical boss.

This is an under-researched area in the workplace, says Alice: “We’ve gotten a lot better at talking about ’empathy at work’ and ‘compassion at work’, but we’re not not yet very good at talking about these triggering situations at work which are huge. This is partly because of the shame attached to them, and partly because so much of this is happening beneath the surface and. can be “silenced” and we don’t talk about it.

What can we do at work when we find our “fingerprint needs” are triggered? You’ll recognize it by a wave of emotions, like shame, judgment, anger—or even feeling out of control of our emotions at all. We don’t need to delve into the cause of this reaction. As Alice says, “you can choose how far down this road you go,” but in the moment, it’s just a matter of knowing how to respond. “The best thing you can do is equip yourself with what works for you. We think of mindfulness or breathing, or going to the bathroom and splashing water on your face. There are lots of things you can do to help reset your nervous system.”

Beyond that, we can learn to act preventatively. In my situation, where I avoid difficult meetings, especially with superiors, Alice suggests a strategy: “Choose the people you like to bring to the meeting with you, so that they stand behind you in your imagination. You know, “these people are totally sizing me up” – so there’s immediately this sense of power being reestablished.

Interestingly, it’s not teams experiencing high tension that tend to see overreactions. “The safer we feel, the more we can let go, because we know the relationship is stronger, in a way. It’s often the teams that have been together longer that experience these moments. »

Do you have a good strategy for dealing with that coworker who yells at you? Email: [email protected]

This week on the Working It podcast

I loved talking to this week’s podcast guests about creativity and AI. If you think generative AI is just the sum of all the data it was trained on, or just good for administration. . . think again. The genius is in the prompts we give the AI ​​(and “prompt engineering” will be a key job for the future). Dan Sherratt of Poppins, a digital creative agency, talks to me about the practical ways he’s using AI to showcase and create new work, while Marcus du Sautoy, a professor at the University of Oxford, says the future creativity could reside in human/machine collaborations. Together we can be more than the sum of our parts.

Five notable stories from the world of work

1. Chinese tech companies are pushing their employees to the limit: A gripping account of the professional lives of employees of Chinese tech giants, by Ryan McMorrow and Nian Liu. The famous “996” working model (9 a.m. to 9 p.m., six days a week) seems outdated. In some workplaces, employees attend meetings in the middle of the night.

2. There’s one thing missing from LinkedIn’s makeover: humor. I love LinkedIn, but even I think this could be funnier: Emma Jacobs writes eloquently about the platform that has taken a “vulnerable turn” during the pandemic and is now home to lots of heartfelt but very unfunny content.

3. Should employers be monitoring more than remote staff mouse clicks? After some Wells Fargo employees were fired for faking keyboard work, Anjli Raval takes on the new culture of surveillance and the blurred lines between work and home life for many of us.

4. Mining sector’s efforts to promote gender diversity tainted by the “Andrew Tate” effect: A fascinating analysis from Harry Dempsey on the effect of backlash against diversity, equity and inclusion efforts in a male-dominated industry – but it could be worth many more.

5. The FT’s guide to the best books to read this summer: A comprehensive roundup of the best books of 2024 (so far), including a selection of Andrew Hill’s business books and fiction titles to take to the beach.

One more thing. . .

Friends was one of the most notable podcasts of 2023, winning the prestigious American Ambie Audio Award for “Best True Crime Podcast.” I’m not a big crime listener, but the format here is different: It brought together a group of women who had been investigating the 1985 murder of their friend – and sister of one of the group’s members – Gail Katz. The second season follows the team as they attempt to discover the identity of an unknown murder victim whose body was misidentified as Gail for nearly a decade. The women manage to regain his identity and give him back the dignity of being remembered and named.

Bonus: Our first Working It podcast producer, the talented Anna Sinfield, is a series producer, writer and member of the on-air team at Friends: our lost sister.

A word from the Working It community

Bethan Staton’s newsletter last week on AI and learning skills — tl; dr: we risk losing something when we let the software do all the research and legwork — sparked some interesting responses, including this one, from a leader who wants to stay 🤫.

“While many tout customer service as the best place for AI, as a veteran of leading very large service organizations, I see it as a potential pitfall.

“If AI solves all the easy problems, how do customer service specialists learn the skills to become expert problem solvers? AI is doing well on the “path to happiness”. Where we need service is when we are in the ditch. Miracle workers on the service lines have typically spent years and tens of thousands of calls developing the skills, instincts and relationships needed to solve thorny, idiosyncratic problems.