‘Great American Baking Show’ Cancelled After July 6 Mass Shooting

LONDON — The “Great American Baking Show” came to an ignoble end after a record sixth mass shooting struck the Pinewood venue in a short space of time, traumatized sources confirmed.

“We really wanted American bakers to feel at home here in England. Benefits for contestants were cut, free healthcare was not provided, Lawrence Fox and Piers Morgan were broadcast on a loop in our theaters, and the usually strict gun laws in the UK were relaxed,” producer Clark Davis revealed. “The last thing we wanted was for contestants to feel like they weren’t getting an experience that matched what they were used to on the other side of the pond. But sadly, this has led to the repetitive and completely avoidable tragedy of mass shooting after mass shooting. Gun-toting lunatics showing up in our peaceful tent to ‘make a statement’ or do some deranged mischief. At this rate, our insurance is so high that we can’t afford to film for a minute.”

Laurie Smith, one of the contestants on the now-final season, was surprisingly upbeat and even optimistic.

“We thought by ‘making you feel at home,’ they meant they’d provide an Applebee’s or a Big Lots, but I have to say the Oxy bottles thrown in were a nice touch, and having each room equipped with a pair of free assault rifles reminds me of my great trip to Florida last year,” said Smith, wrapped in a blanket in the back of an ambulance. “The only surprise, frankly, is that this is all coming to an end. You’d think after the third or fourth, people would just accept that this is a normal part of life.”

Co-host Paul Hollywood was tragically injured in the shooting, but was able to give a brief interview.

“The bullet that destroyed my shin was well designed and built with the bullet in mind, the shooter’s aim was heavy and half-baked, and the hollow point itself was a disappointing, soggy pop rather than the explosion of spicy flavor and shrapnel one might expect,” Hollywood said from his hospital bed. “Ultimately, the challenge was a disappointment, and I honestly expected a higher standard at this point in the show.”

Asked about this, Parliament blamed the EU’s lax immigration standards and Congress suggested introducing prayer in all British schools.