Don’t Understand Your Teenager’s Behavior? Psychologists Offer Advice

“It’s so overwhelming and so powerful that you really feel like you’re stuck in the storm. The anxiety has taken over your mind and your body,” said Natasha Riard, a senior lecturer in clinical psychology and head of the psychology clinic at James Cook University in Singapore.

“The person experiencing anxiety wants it to stop, and the parent observing it wants it to stop. But once the panic attack begins, it’s like a train leaving a station and not stopping until it reaches the next one. The journey between those stations is the experience of the attack,” Riard says.

Parents don’t always know how to help their children when they’re feeling anxious or on the verge of a panic attack, and methods that worked in the past may no longer be helpful when teens face new challenges, psychologists said.

Here’s how parents can better spot signs of anxiety in their kids — and tips to help.

Regardless of their age, people with anxiety will have a fight, flight, freeze or reluctance response to stressful situations, psychologists say.

They told CNBC that the most common reactions are flight and freeze, where one shows signs of panic and begins to cry or shake, or even freeze and dissociate from the subject by becoming silent and shutting down.

“When you have a panic attack, you can really panic about what’s happening to you. You can have a change in how you perceive reality, and it can be a very frightening experience,” warns Eli Lebowitz, co-director of the Mood and Anxiety Disorders Program at the Yale Child Study Center.

Like adults, teens also have a fight response when they feel anxious, which can often be misinterpreted as a tantrum or compulsive behavior.

“Parents need to think about what their children’s screaming and slamming doors mean. Maybe they’re worried about something?” Riard said, noting that it’s just another expression of anxiety.

Psychologists also said they noticed that the children had a fawn-like response, where they suffered from “high-functioning” anxiety and managed to carry on with their daily routines despite poor mental health.

“Young people often avoid expressing their feelings and do their best to appear to be okay by appearing busy in a chaotic situation. What you see on their face or behaviour may not match what’s going on underneath,” said Lisa Coloca, a psychologist and director of Melbourne-based Bloom Psychology Group and Bloom Community.

According to Yale’s Lebowitz, parents should watch for signs including shortness of breath, body stiffness and a change in skin tone. While an anxiety attack may seem frightening and uncontrollable, it is not dangerous and parents should not “panic,” he added.

1. Validate their feelings

Parents often tend to minimize their children’s difficulties and the emotions they feel, or even ignore them at times, experts suggest.

“Stop using your adult brain to solve a teenage problem. Telling them ‘everything will be okay’ won’t help them because they don’t feel okay in the moment,” said Michelle Savage, another psychologist and director of Bloom Psychology Group and Bloom Community.

When children confide their worries to their parents, reassurance is not always the answer.

“From a parent’s perspective, we want to protect our children from pain. But the alternative is to look at it as an incentive to allow your child to express their emotions and fears, and to listen to them,” said James Cook’s Riard.

Parents should also keep in mind that children don’t always want advice, but often just want to feel seen and heard.

“Validating that your child is anxious won’t make him more anxious. It will make him feel understood and more likely to talk to you about it in the future,” said Yale’s Lebowitz, who is also the author of “Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD.”

“Parents should strive to communicate messages to their child that combine acceptance and validation of the child’s genuine fear or distress, as well as confidence in the child’s ability to cope with that distress,” he added, noting that this will help build trust and gradually reduce the child’s dependence on his or her parents.

2. Sharing personal experiences

When a child or teen is feeling anxious, it often helps to know that they are not alone.

Sharing personal stories of people who have been through similar situations will help them realize that it is possible to overcome the adversities they face.

“Parents need to normalize this and also talk about their own internal dialogue around anxiety, while making sure to have open communication in a non-threatening way,” Savage suggested.

For example, if you tell the child that you were worried about your slides for a big presentation at work, but you make sure you did your best, it will help him or her feel seen and heard.

“It’s very difficult to teach your child to regulate and manage all of their emotions. If you can’t, be willing to express your emotions, and not just the positive ones,” Lebowitz said. “And start early, don’t wait until your child is 15 to start doing this.”

Psychologists who spoke to CNBC also stressed that parents should not share “important and inappropriate” issues with their children, such as financial difficulties or marital problems.

3. Timing is everything

When a child is feeling anxious or is in the middle of a panic attack, the last thing they need to hear is advice on how to fix it.

“Don’t expect your child to be able to talk about it when they’re in the throes of intense anxiety. You need to give them time to calm down,” suggests Yale’s Lebowitz.

Conversations about how to better manage emotions shouldn’t happen during moments of anxiety, but before. Giving your child space, but also letting them know that you’re there for them if they need to reach out, can also help, psychologists recommend.

“We often put a lot of pressure on children to self-regulate and use psychological strategies to help themselves. But in those moments, children and young people really need adults to check in on them,” Riard said, explaining that parents can help their children become aware of their thoughts and emotions and how they influence their behaviors.

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