What is Pebbling and Why Do Teens Do It?

Communicating with teenagers can be difficult. And receiving a sign of affection can sometimes seem impossible, especially after telling them “I love you” and receiving a distant “K.”

There’s a new way for teens to communicate with their parents and loved ones that seems to break down the emotional barrier. (Maybe not completely, but it’s creating tiny cracks in the facade.)

It is called “pebbling,” a term often used to describe a romantic relationship, but has also spread to other types of relationships, including between parents and children. The term originated from the actions of Antarctic gentoo penguins, who were observed presenting stones to each other as a form of courtship. The stones symbolized the desire to build a nest together.

Pebbling, in its current form, refers to small tokens of love or affection given to a friend or loved one that you think they will appreciate. It now often comes in the form of memes, GIFs, or videos on social media that you would send to someone to help brighten their day.

“I recently learned that the act of sending your friends and family short videos, tweets, and memes that you find online is called ‘pebbling,’ like penguins bring back pebbles to their favorite little penguins,” one X user recently wrote in a viral post.

This can have many benefits and experts say that parents can also benefit from playing rock with their children.

Why Pebbling Can Be Positive

If you’re wondering why kids are always posting memes and videos on social media, you’re not alone. But in today’s world, experts say that sharing photos on social media has become a way for kids to connect, strengthen interactions, and show affection.

Not only does pebbling feel good to the person receiving it, it can also set off a positive chemical chain reaction in the sender’s brain, according to Cameron Caswell, PhD, an adolescent psychologist and mother of a teenager.

“When you show kindness, your brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure, motivation and reinforcement,” she explains. “Feeling recognized and valued also gives a dopamine rush to the recipient.”

Of course, there are also benefits to showing affection through a tangible object. “When you see the joy on the face of the person receiving your thoughtful gesture, your brain releases oxytocin,” says Dr. Caswell. “This hormone promotes feelings of trust, empathy, and connection.”

The better people feel, she says, the more likely they are to repeat the act, “which triggers the release of happy hormones and creates a cycle of kindness.” Dr. Caswell recommends encouraging your teen to throw rocks for others when they’re feeling down, as it may help boost their mood.

Parents can do this too. A simple meme or song can go a long way in strengthening the bond between them and your teen.

My sister Francesca regularly engages in pebbling sessions with her two teenage children. She says it’s common to feel disconnected from her kids, who often find her “uncool” or “weird.” But she says that instead of taking it personally, she’s embraced the dynamic by sending self-deprecating memes and reels that poke fun at the parent-teen relationship.

“My kids sometimes roll their eyes at first, but they always end up laughing and responding in a funny way,” she says. “It’s become a fun way for us to bond and keep communication going.”

Dr. Caswell agrees. “Affection, in all its forms, is a key part of building strong bonds with teens,” she says. “It shows that you see them and care about them. A well-chosen meme or GIF can be a fun way to show that you’re thinking of them.”

“Pebbling” for neurodivergent children

The act of “pebbling” is not new and has long been used in the neurodivergent community. This can be a positive way to show affection, especially to neurodivergent children, as it helps them connect with loved ones in a meaningful but comfortable way.

“Chapman’s five love languages ​​are typically exhibited by neurotypical individuals who don’t necessarily have the same sensory needs or thought processes as neurodivergent individuals,” says Aly Resnick, LMHC, LPC, ACS, owner of Tree of Life Counseling Center in New Jersey.

Many neurodivergent children naturally show affection in ways that are particularly meaningful and personal to them, she says. Think infodumping and parallel play. “These are all ways of communicating affection from an individual whose brain thinks differently than a neurotypical person,” she explains.

While some of the rock-throwing actions of neurodivergent people may seem “lazy,” it’s actually quite the opposite. “It’s not laziness, but rather a thoughtful approach that demonstrates a unique understanding of their loved one’s interests and the personal connection they have,” Resnick says.

She cautions that, as with all forms of love language, getting used to “pebbling” and simply identifying it as such can take some time.

Disadvantages of “Pebbling”

“In a ‘perfect’ situation, both the giver and receiver of a pebble action understand the meaning and intention behind the gesture and walk away from the interaction feeling appreciated and understood,” Resnick explains.

But this is not always the case. Excessive exposure to stones can cause the opposite reaction and push someone even further away.

“Working to understand the love language of those you care about can go a long way toward fostering happy, healthy relationships,” Resnick adds.

How Parents Can Get Involved in Pebbling

Pebbling can be a way for parents to connect with their teens in a fun and enjoyable way.

In a recent Instagram video, Dr. Caswell shared tips on how pebbling can be used to connect with kids of all ages. She recommends different strategies for exploring ways to show affection, which she says can take a little creativity and patience, and breaks down some ideas into different categories.

For example, with “digital rocks,” parents can send their kids funny memes, TikToks, or YouTube videos that speak to their humor or interests. “It’s even better if you include a quick, personalized message,” she adds. Articles or documentaries related to their passions also fall into this category. Quotes that can resonate with their current struggles can also help show that you, as a parent, have listened to what’s bothering them.

Music, Dr. Caswell says, can also evoke strong emotions. “Send a song that reminds you of that person or a particular shared experience,” she advises.

“Real-world pebbles” can be heartfelt notes expressing gratitude from your child for something they’ve done or accomplished. She recommends putting Post-it notes on bathroom mirrors with short messages or packing their favorite snack with their lunch with a note. Leaving new books in their favorite genre on their nightstand or art supplies on their desk with a note can provide a chance for shared creativity.

Then there are “experience rocks,” where, she says, the parent and child can participate in an activity together, like watching a Netflix movie together or inviting their child to go get coffee or ice cream at random.

Whatever you choose, remember that this is just one step in building a strong bond with your children. Dr. Caswell stresses that not all the affection you give your child will be perceived as affection, and it’s important to respect boundaries.